tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-49449418422077548532024-03-12T18:44:55.425-05:00Feels Like Home....ramblings from a mom and wife Sassafrasshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04934113249973760730noreply@blogger.comBlogger116125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4944941842207754853.post-90197245105761099422016-10-15T17:20:00.004-05:002016-10-15T17:28:27.632-05:00RedeemingMonths after our sweet girl passed away, a friend told me that God would redeem dates from loss. That those hard days would somehow become a sweet day. Dates never held much for me so I didn't think much of it for a while...<br />
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Today I'm truly reminded how He has done this for me. October 15th is not only the day we brought our James Royal home from the hospital but also it is Infant and Pregnancy loss awareness day. 1 in every 4 women have been marked by loss. I never thought this would happen to us and our home will never be complete without Naomi.<br />
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We dealt with secondary infertility for 18 months afterward and had begun to believe God had other plans. We filled our house with precious foster kids and were so thankful to get to love on them.<br />
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I woke up on Naomi's birthday and was content with where God was placing our family. He had stretched my faith and trust and I knew he'd make our life beautiful. I was scared to hope since i had staken dozens of pregnancy tests and all were negative. He really surprised us though when we saw the little white stick show "pregnant". In shock and awe, on February 7th 2016, we found out about God's next step in our life... a little boy named James Royal who truly seemed sent from his sister in Heaven above. I could almost see her whispering to Jesus- "hey- let's send him now!".<br />
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October 15th and February 7th will always be a reminder of our Naomi and how much we will miss her. But 1 Corinthians 15:15 says it well.<br />
<span style="background-color: #fdfeff; color: #001320; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 17.6px;">"Where, O death, is your victory? Where, O death, is your sting?" God has added a level of sweetness to these days and reminded me that even through it all seemed hard he truly loves me.</span>Sassafrasshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04934113249973760730noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4944941842207754853.post-41110812378946483742016-10-15T17:20:00.003-05:002016-10-15T17:27:50.825-05:00RedeemingMonths after our sweet girl passed away, a friend told me that God would redeem dates from loss. That those hard days would somehow become a sweet day. Dates never held much for me so I didn't think much of it for a while...<br />
<br />
Today I'm truly reminded how He has done this for me. October 15th is not only the day we brought our James Royal home from the hospital but also it is Infant and Pregnancy loss awareness day. 1 in every 4 women have been marked by loss. I never thought this would happen to us and our home will never be complete without Naomi.<br />
<br />
We dealt with secondary infertility for 18 months afterward and had begun to believe God had other plans. We filled our house with precious foster kids and were so thankful to get to love on them.<br />
<br />
I woke up on Naomi's birthday and was content with where God was placing our family. He had stretched my faith and trust and I knew he'd make our life beautiful. I was scared to hope since i had staken dozens of pregnancy tests and all were negative. He really surprised us though when we saw the little white stick show "pregnant". In shock and awe, on February 7th 2016, we found out about God's next step in our life... a little boy named James Royal who truly seemed sent from his sister in Heaven above. I could almost see her whispering to Jesus- "hey- let's send him now!".<br />
<br />
October 15th and February 7th will always be a reminder of our Naomi and how much we will miss her. But 1 Corinthians 15:15 says it well.<br />
<span style="background-color: #fdfeff; color: #001320; font-family: "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 17.6px;">"Where, O death, is your victory? Where, O death, is your sting?" God has added a level of sweetness to these days and reminded me that even through it all seemed hard he truly loves me.</span>Sassafrasshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04934113249973760730noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4944941842207754853.post-335810587690066902015-11-07T23:57:00.000-06:002015-11-08T00:02:50.478-06:00Justification and Promises<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">As most blog posts are, this one has been on my heart for awhile. We are nearing the 2 year mark since Naomi went to be with Jesus. In some ways it feels like its been forever in other ways it feels like just yesterday.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">From the moment that she went to be in Heaven until now, I've been told so many things about what was Gods purpose, what I should believe, what I have to expect next. A lot of them come in forms of promises. Whats even harder is that the deliverer of the message is trying to be encouraging and kind.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">At the beginning I really enjoyed them, they were things that I grasped onto but as time continued I realized that they were more harmful more often than good.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">To summarize I would say these are justifications and promises. Our culture is so full of them. We feel like we need to offer platitudes. Let me give you some examples of these justifications that I've dealt with or have heard: "Well, something must have been wrong with the baby. It's good that it happened early". "At least you have Sophia!" "At least you didn't have a chance to get to know the baby!" "God must have wanted her more". "God has a purpose for her," (This last one seems to come with a rationale of that she was purposed to die. This was her whole meaning in life.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Some examples of promises are "It will all be okay!" "You'll get over this one day!" "God will redeem Naomi in this way ____". One of the biggest one I had faced and the most detrimental to my heart was, "God has another baby for you".</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">These justifications and promises are often times unfounded. They have no rationale or biblical basis. Justifying the hard times can make it seem like it shouldn't hurt as much and most of the time ends up adding barbs to the situation rather than help. Promises that are unfounded can offer false hope and or frustration. It may not be God's plan for our life.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">These things are not promised to us. What are we promised as Christians? We are promised that God is here for us (Exodus 33:14), that if we do accept Jesus as our Savior that we know we will go to Heaven (John 3:16) and he even promises hard times (James 1:2-4). But never once does he promise we will have as many kids as we want, or that we will stop missing our kids or that our life is going to be without pain. He does however promise that he will be honored in all of this. Romans 8:28 says: "And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose." I was often quoted a version of this... In attempt to tell me that God's plan for Naomi was good. I will blog more about this later, but I don't believe with any part of me that God wanted Naomi to die. Death was not in His plan for us. When sin entered the picture so did death and suffering and pain. God's plans to use what's going on now (the horrible every day to day moments that I have of not living this life with my girl) those plans... those are good.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">When we first started trying to get pregnant after Naomi, I held onto these promises so tightly. "We are going to find out we're pregnant before the next year! It will make the year ok.", then "I'm going to be pregnant for Naomi's birthday... what a sweet thing", then "I'll get pregnant during her birthday month", and it kept going on. For over a year. Every month I rationalized what promise was going to be fulfilled... How God was going to redeem that promise.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">It wasn't God's promise to redeem! When I finally started to realize that this was how I was holding on to these I started to receive a different type of healing.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">As Christians we do this a lot, we offer platitudes that are not ones that we have right to offer. So how do we offer Hope that is Biblically grounded but also helpful? In my opinion we start by just saying, "I'm so sorry this happened to you!", "I'm here to cry with you.", "God is still here." "He loves you and your baby so much.". If in doubt just say "I'm sorry!"</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">What promises can we offer? We can offer the promise of God's redemption. Our God is one of redemption. It is part of his very nature! But how he redeems it may be not what we think or planned. But to be specific in how God redeems it is not our job or right.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">So what can we do when someone around us is suffering? We can let them know that God hasn't left them (Psalm 3:4) and neither have we. We can say I'm sorry. We can cry with them. Eat copious amounts of cookie dough. Bring their favorite wine or beverage (mine is wine fyi). </span><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">We can offer to be there for them. We can be the hands and feet of Christ.</span><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"> </span>Sassafrasshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04934113249973760730noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4944941842207754853.post-16493672086643426292015-04-16T10:06:00.001-05:002015-04-16T10:06:59.681-05:00Drying and Waiting PeriodMonday I had the chance to chance to hear "The Potter Lady" (Rachel Norris) again. The last time I heard her speak was December of 2013 about 2 months before Naomi was born. It is interesting how you can hear the same message twice but it can hit you so differently.<br /><div>
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I don't exactly remember what I took from her speaking the first time I heard her but this year it has been resonating so soundly with me. If you haven't heard of her before look her up: <a href="http://www.thepotterylady.com/">www.thepotterylady.com</a>. Rachel is a very talented potter and makes it look effortless but more than that she speaks such beautiful and raw truth that it really cuts to the core and captures your entire attention.</div>
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There are numerous references to the potter and clay in the Bible. It is so amazing to me that the Bible can put an entire lesson in life in one sentence... Look at Isaiah 64:8. He is the Potter and we are the clay. So what does that mean? Well, the clay is chosen for a specific purpose by the Potter and it goes through several steps in order to be perfect and useful. We need to be wedged first (like kneading bread) in order to get out air bubbles and make it all the same, then we start to be formed. Once we're done on the Potters wheel we've got to set for awhile to get all the moisture out before we get sent to the fire (Kiln). If a piece of pottery goes into the fire too early it will burst. Afterwards, it gets glazed and painted and then re-fired, the second time even hotter than the first. We need to go through each of these steps in order to be useful for our Potter... and they aren't fun but we can't tell him what we need because we are just the clay and He has the vision. How hard is that! I can tell you friends, it's been a struggle.</div>
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Why? Well... It will be 6 years in May that Joe and I've been married and although we've been so happy and I couldn't be happier that he is my partner in life... the life that has been surrounding us since than has been not very peachy. We keep waiting for our break. We both feel like its just been storming on us and man are we tired. </div>
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I have been still struggling with my health stuff. I found out that my thyroid numbers are perfect but my hormone levels are still not where they should be... This is also part of we we have yet to get pregnant again. So, I got sent to a specialist.. He's hopeful some medication should be able to fix some things and hopefully restart my body's natural rhythm. It contributes to a lot every day, from being exhausted, to gaining weight and hot flashes.</div>
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Joe's waiting for a new job. He really dislikes his current one and can't wait to get into a police department where he feels his heart is calling. Police departments hire during certain parts of the year though and so we wait. He thought of applying to a department that is an hour away but that would be 14 hour days and a lot of time away from his family. </div>
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It is so easy to try to rush God's plan for us because the waiting is tough.. but what I kept hearing on Monday was "wait, sweet child of mine, wait. I know what I'm doing... and it is going to be so good."</div>
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So this is where we are. We're in the waiting period. I know my God is good... I know His plans are good. I know that I can trust Him and what He has said. In the mean time, we're trying to enjoy life as much as we can. We're getting healthy and doing all that we can to prepare for the next stage. We're ready Jesus! </div>
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Sassafrasshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04934113249973760730noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4944941842207754853.post-22476287546955600882015-02-21T15:04:00.001-06:002015-02-21T15:07:02.155-06:00One Year- A letter to my angel daughter.My Dear Sweet Naomi,<br />
I have been struggling so hard in what to write to you. I wanted so badly to have this letter done by your birthday but the words just wouldn't come. This year had been next to impossible to explain. It has been full of seemingly opposites, both the longest and quickest year, the hardest and most life altering, the most emotional and the most emotionless.<br />
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You have changed me little one and more than just my body or hormones. I am not the same and I am so glad that I am not. I hope to live my life not just for myself but you. You have taught me so much about grace and hope, courage and bravery, compassion and empathy, love and hurt. I look at the world around me and I see people in a way that I never did before. I have clarity in so many ways, I have little patience for pettiness and want so desperately for people to be their best. Life is too short for intentional hurt. I know I fail at this too but God is working on me. I asked God to use you to teach me instead of just thinking of you in pain and Oh my darling, He so has. God has used you to minister to other mamas and families that are hurting too. Your little footprints are imprinting this world so big and I can't wait to see where they go during my lifetime.<br />
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Your big sister is singing to me from her bed right now. I can't help but think of who you'd be if you had grown up with us this year. Would you love to sing like your sister? Would you be loud or quiet or a little of both? Would you look more like your daddy or your mommy or be your sister's little twin? I've missed so much. People say one day it won't hurt so much... Some people think I'll get over you. Naomi, I never will get over you and maybe it won't hurt so much but I will always wonder. I'll wonder if you inherited the Brown toes and fingers like your sister? What color hair or eyes would you have? Would your hair be curly too? Would you dance silly with your big sister? Would you think she hung the moon?<br />
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I've missed your smell, your touch, your laugh, your eyes. I miss middle of the nights with you, chaos during the day with you. I miss changing your diapers and washing your clothes. I miss making you baby food and cleaning that baby food off of the floor when you decide to feed the dogs. I miss watching you crawl and teaching you to walk. Teaching you sign language and hearing your first word. Oh sweet girl. I miss you.<br />
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There will always be an empty place where you should be. I felt it last night as we giggled on the couch and when I put your big sister in her car seat. I feel it as I sing Sophia songs and kiss her goodnight. You always have a place in my heart.<br />
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I wouldn't give up an ounce of the pain that I have felt because it means that you are so deeply loved my darling. I am so very glad that I have the hope and knowledge of where you are and where I one day will be too. Sweet Naomi, I cannot wait to touch your cheek once again, see what color of eyes you have and hug you so tightly. I may never let go.<br />
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But sweet baby, before Mama can hold you, I pray that one of your great- grandparents are. They all love you so much. Know that we will be okay and we cannot wait for the day we get to see Jesus and YOU.<br />
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Yours Forever,<br />
MommySassafrasshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04934113249973760730noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4944941842207754853.post-77844383675125970702015-02-06T13:54:00.004-06:002015-02-06T16:28:03.692-06:00A letter to my oldest.My dear Sophia,<br />
One day I want you to be able to read this and know my mama heart. I want you to you how hard this year has been but through it all how very much you are loved and how much I am glad you are a part of our lives.<br />
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You are 3 now and you are my three-nager. Finally becoming so vocal, you will tell me when your feelings are hurt or you are feeling happy. You will tell me randomly how much you love me and that is probably my absolute favorite. I adore watching you grow and learn even when you are grumpy. I love you being in our family. We are so much better off because you are here.<br />
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I am so proud of you I know you don't understand all that has happened this year but you have been so sweet. For the first couple weeks after your sister Naomi went to heaven you still kissed my tummy. Ever since, during our nightly prayers, we ask God to give Naomi kisses. When I ask you about Naomi you tell me she's in Heaven and we send balloons to her.<br />
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But you probably understand more than we give you credit for, you at least are very comforting and sweet when mama has a bad day. There are just some days that I miss your sister so much. I miss holding and loving on her. I miss watching her grow and seeing her personality develop. Most of all, I miss watching y'all together. I miss seeing you be the loving big sister you are and seeing you teach her all that you know. When I have those hard days you are usually easier to manage and you just let me have those moments.<br />
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Usually oldest kids have to learn the hard way. Oh my sweet oldest, how I wish you wouldn't. There are so many "hard ways" that I have learned this year. I wish you never would have to learn....<br />
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I wish you could know happiness and joy without heartache. I wish you could know love for others without knowing pain of them being gone from your earthly life. I wish you could learn endurance without having to endure or strength without having to feel weak and powerless. I wish you never had to learn devastation, heartache or hurt. But my sweet girl, know that your mama has walked that hard road and will always be your extra guiding post. I will always listen and support and give you that tight squeeze. I want you to know that through it all God is there most of all. He will bring you out of the fire just as he has me. He will be your hope when you have none. Trust in Him, Sophia- even in the darkest days.<br />
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God hasn't promised us anything other than Heaven if we know Him. He hasn't promised us a life of happiness and sunshine. Hard things will happen in our life. Everyone has something that they struggle with. But you will get through because you are strong! Especially because you are a Child of our KING!<br />
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My dear girl, I love you. And I can't wait to see what God has in store for you.<br />
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Love you always, forever and no matter what,<br />
Your Mama<br />
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<br />Sassafrasshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04934113249973760730noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4944941842207754853.post-43276709369600359582015-01-28T10:44:00.002-06:002015-01-28T10:51:40.764-06:00Grief 101 part 1.Its 2015 which means that we have officially entered another year without our sweet Naomi in our arms. It's had been one heck of a year. We've had everything break on us, lots of things to fix and not much happiness. Through it all. God has given us joy in the midst and taught us lots of lessons. I have not come out from 2014 unscathed and I'm okay with that. I'm glad for my war wounds it means that she has made an impression on my life. Those little feet h<span style="font-family: inherit;">ave touched this world even if they never did physically.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">We've learned a lot, at some point I'll be able to hopefully share it all but for now I figured I would share the biggest lesson that we've learned in a multi-part blog. What is that lesson you say? Grief. We got thrown into the depths of those muddy waters and are starting to come out. We've learned what it means but also what it means to those around us and how others can walk the path alongside those in grief.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">What does Grief even mean? The dictionary defines it as:</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">1. keen mental suffering or distress over affliction or loss; sharp sorrow; painful regret.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">2) a cause or occasion of keen distress or sorrow</span><br />
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However, each and every person has a different experience and that what makes it so intangible. No-one really knows what to do especially when a child leaves this earth. It becomes a taboo subject and causes more insult to the injury. There are common threads in grief though and that is what we should keep in mind. Here are some:<br />
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1) Everyone grieves differently. Allow them to. We learned this with my husband and I... But I also see it as I interact with other people who have lost loved ones especially little ones.<br />
2) Grief doesn't just end/ You don't just "get over it". You get through it and learn how your life is going to be "after". The before is gone. Although I feel pretty good these days, I know that my thought process and daily life is very different after my daughter went to heaven.<br />
3) Grief can hit you in ways you can't expect at times you can't expect AND it's okay! There are times where I don't even know what triggered it. I just feel flat lined emotionally and know I need to give myself extra grace.<br />
4) There are things that can cause grief to be worse. I only want to lightly tough on this now, because I will be talking about alleviating and helping someone through grief in part 2. The biggest thing one can do is just to ignore that the child died. And no I'm not talking about talking about that day in the hospital. I'm talking about saying her name.(please! Say it!) Thinking with me often about how she may be... (Would she be annoying her big sister these days?) and so on. Do you know someone that haven't been able to bring a baby home? Make sure to tell them Happy Mother/Fathers Day! It's hard when someone forgets they are a parent even if they are doing a different model of parenting than we may think.<br />
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I may need to add to this as we continue to walk the grief journey... It's just one step a day, one day at a time...Sassafrasshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04934113249973760730noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4944941842207754853.post-64867489515303590492014-10-29T13:34:00.003-05:002014-10-29T13:34:50.782-05:00Update on ME.There is so much I want to say that I'm just not even sure where to start. I guess I'll go with this... (Warning, some female talk.. keeping it PG though). I just need to get my words on paper...<br />
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After Sophia, I had some hormonal issues that showed that my estrogen levels plummeted. Physically some stuff happened and I didn't lose a POUND even with nursing. But when I got pregnant with Naomi, my body dropped 13 pounds quickly like I had the first time. My pregnancies were totally normal and we were able to get pregnant without any assistance/medical interference. After losing Naomi, I didn't know what my new normal was.<br />
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Many people may not realize that losing a baby is unlike any other kind of losses. Your body goes through so much and you have no clue what is okay. It took almost 3 months for my monthlies to come back and when they did they were miserable. Cramps that hurt more than before, heavier and longer lasting and I was moodier. Basically they sucked and were a constant reminder. They were also extremely close together and although they have now spaced out to 28 days, I am spotting when I should be ovulating.<br />
<br />
I started working out in February and did a hard core couple a months but again... didn't lose a pound. on top of this, I've been having daily headaches, dry skin, hot flashes and I just don't feel right. So I decided to be pro-active and went into my primary care physician and had blood drawn. It came back that my estrogen was about the level as a menopausal woman. At 26 years of age, this is NOT okay. I'm referred to my OBGYN and didn't really get any answers. So again... I decided to be pro-active and went to another doctor. We've done more blood draws, exams and an ultrasound and the diagnosis...<br />
<br />
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 30px; line-height: 37px;">Polycystic ovary syndrome.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 30px; line-height: 37px;"><br /></span>
So apparently on top of grieving, on top of Joe's crazy schedule (I'll get to that in a bit), I have PCOS. It has been recommended to me by this new doc to gt a endometrial biopsy which will cost me several hundred dollars out of pocket. This is just not in the budget right now and it isn't top priority.<br />
<br />
Why is this so frustrating? Well. After a stillborn loss, you're typically encouraged to wait a little bit to get pregnant again. Your body needs it, your mind needs it....overall you need it! So Joe and I had come to an agreement that after my best friend's wedding we would stop preventing. Now, with this new diagnosis.. I'm not sure I can get pregnant without some kind of medication. I've actually had to push for a appointment to talk to the doctor about this diagnosis and what it means... She didn't recommend it.<br />
<br />
I want to cry and usually do almost every day. I can't help but say that right now things don't feel too promising. I miss my daughter so much and really expected to be busy with a baby these days. I'm excited to see those around me have their kids but it is hard. The experiences they're getting, I haven't gotten and miss, and apparently having another one is not going to be an easy go. I know the word fair isn't really correct, but man... It isn't fair!<br />
<br />
I'm just tired. Joe is going to a different school... I will be able to share more later but he is currently out of the house for over 80 hours a week. He's gone Mon-Thur night and all day Saturdays for school. He comes home late, so even if I were to get to bed at a good time, I'd be awoken by him going to bed... Instead of being able to leave Sophia at home to go meet with a friend or run an errand, I can't... I don't get breaks. (He doesn't either though). The fact that my hormones are so messed up doesn't help my energy level either. We're both tired and tend to get grumpier at each other than we should... We figure this out pretty quick though and are fine. Just ready for a vacation when this is all done.<br />
<br />
Everything is breaking around us. Since February we have had to replace 2 separate sections of our ac/heater unit, the total of the two costing over 2k, replace our water heater, tear out our tub, replace 4 tires on my car and the brakes and I feel like I'm missing something.. It doesn't help when you feel finances squeeze and your<br />
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I'm lonely most days. I'm thankful for some friends here, ones that care and help out but especially with Joe gone so much, its just a lonely road. Joe's going through this school for a better future, so right now It's just putting one foot in front of the other and hoping for something to actually go right.<br />
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Otherwise I'm doing ok. I miss my girl and random things make me cry but I'm able to have joy. I'm so grateful for Sophia. I can't be sitting still for long with her, so I have to keep moving. I'm hopeful for some more kids in our household and I think Joe and I are going to start the process to get certified so when we're able to adopt we can.<br />
<br />
One Day at a Time, One step at a Time.<br />
<br />Sassafrasshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04934113249973760730noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4944941842207754853.post-36289325193301267362014-03-22T22:27:00.003-05:002014-03-22T22:27:56.891-05:00Remember Her.Tonight my husband and I sat down in order to nail down some thoughts and expectations for Naomi's celebration of life. We knew we wanted to do a balloon release, have our pastor talk and have it in nature but that was about as far as our thoughts went. Talking about our girl and what our expectations were definitely was hard and brought up a lot of emotions and other thoughts. I am exhausted emotionally right now but wanted to get the words down.<br />
<br />
One of the hardest things to do post Naomi's return to Jesus is to tell people that don't know what happened. In many ways I blindside them. Nobody expects a baby at 40 weeks to die in the womb... Very little people hear of a stillbirth at that point or know someone that goes through it. Our culture is really horrible about how we death with infant death. I'm sure I'll blog more about that at some point because it is truly on my heart. We pretend that if we don't talk about a baby's death that it goes away. It doesn't. That baby still died and the hopes, dreams and future is no longer there. If the parents are believers then they will meet their baby again in Heaven but everything earthly is ripped away...<br />
<br />
When I have to explain my situation to someone, I can summarize the responses in two ways: "I'm so sorry! What happened?!" and "I'm so sorry!! I don't want to bring it up and cause you more pain." Unless you've been in my shoes or in a similar pair,one doesn't know what to say and that's ok... I get that. I don't hold any ill regard to them. I really don't. I have been dealing with the death of my daughter for 6 weeks now. I think about her so many times a day that I couldn't count... the other person never saw it coming.<br />
<br />
Although Naomi's death absolutely stinks and I would love nothing more to have her here there is also joy. Besides the joy of her being with Jesus and knowing nothing more than love and perfection in Heaven, there is the joy that we had while we had her with us. I love being a proud mama and talking about my daughter. Although at times it may be painful because I miss her, it really doesn't hurt me to talk about her. There is a difference. I love talking about my daughter. I loved when someone asks me how much she weighed, or what she looked like. I love being a proud mama. Someone this last week commented that I didn't just lose a baby, I lost a child. It is so true. I no longer have my daughter here but by not talking about her, it is doing me no good. Parents of children in Heaven like to talk about their babies. We want people to ask us about them. We want them remembered.<br />
<br />
I'm a proud Mama of an Angel so please: Cry with me. Pray with me and walk through this next stage of my life with me... Remember her with us. Remember the other babies. Share special dates. Things that made you think about her. Ask me things. Talk to me. Let me share with you what I do have.Sassafrasshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04934113249973760730noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4944941842207754853.post-34741363517038754982014-03-07T20:06:00.000-06:002014-03-07T20:06:17.152-06:00One MonthMy dear sweet Naomi,<br />
It's been one month since I started having contractions and called your daddy home from work. It's been one month since we walked into the hospital, got hooked up to machines and were told that you had already gone on to Heaven. It's been one month since I held you and looked at your sweet face. It's been one month since I left the hospital and you and man oh man do I miss you!<br />
<br />
Sweet girl, my arms ache for you, my heart aches for you. There is nothing more than your daddy and I want to hear than your sweet cry, to hear you breathe and open your eyes for us. We would do just about anything to be awake all night rocking you.<br />
<br />
We know that it can't happen and as much as we can wish it never will. So many people have shown how much they love you by loving on us. We've had so many phone calls, letters, gifts and acts of service. You are so loved.<br />
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I think about you in Heaven. In my heart, you will always be a baby so that I can hold you and have my time to rock you all night when I get there. I'm so glad that we have so many people that we have loved go on before us so that they can rock you and hold you while I can't. I wonder who was there first to greet you... Was it Grandpa Royal? Grandma Greta? Grandma Edith? Grandma June? Your cousins? Jesus?<br />
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The pain isn't as bad as a month ago but sweet girl. It will never stop. I will never stop wanting you here, wanting to buy dresses for you and your sister for Easter or thinking about you every time I see the color purple.<br />
<br />
We never intended for the color purple to be that way but it worked out that way and I'm so glad. You see, your sister's newborn pictures were all done up in pink and we decided to do yours in purple so that they were the same but different. We used the color already in your room to design for the baby shower and since then it's just been what we think of for you. We had bought so many purple things and when I found out that your birth stone is also purple, well sweet pea, it just fits. I'm so glad.<br />
<br />
Today I got so many sweet gifts to help remind me of you. Your sweet Aunt Beth brought a succulent in a purple ceramic egg, your Aunt Hannah sent purple flowers, your Gigi brought some beautiful yellow flowers and your daddy was thoughtful enough to buy me a beautiful pendant of a bluebonnet. Not that you will EVER be forgotten but I'm so grateful for these tangible things for me.<br />
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Love you sweet girl. Hope your one month celebration in Heaven was beautiful.<br />
<br />
Always,<br />
Your MamaSassafrasshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04934113249973760730noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4944941842207754853.post-21534314428329656842014-03-06T20:14:00.001-06:002014-05-04T21:36:04.424-05:00Bargaining<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Last night I had the chance to visit with another "Hope Mom" (one who has lost a child) and she shared with me that she calls some of her lessons, "Caroline gifts" and it is so true. Since February 7th, I have been so stretched and have grown so much in my understanding of God and convictions. I really feel like these are gifts that Naomi is giving me -ways to make me and the world around me- better. </span><span style="color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">There are several books that I've been given since we lost Naomi. Two of them are by Nancy Guthrie called </span><span style="color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: underline; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">The One Year Book of Hope</span><span style="color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> and </span><span style="color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: underline; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Holding on to Hope </span><span style="color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">have been both healing and convicting. One of the themes that has been one of the hardest one for me to wrestle with is that of bargaining with God.</span></span></div>
<span style="background-color: white;"><b id="docs-internal-guid-e310f476-9a52-d309-4362-54e43286be13" style="font-weight: normal;"><br /><span style="color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></b>
</span><br />
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">When you go through something so unthinkable, some thoughts pop into your head about how you can handle it. I think it's common to think when you're going through something rough "I can do this as long as... (I don't lose my job too, I keep my good health and so on)". Until I read about it I didn't realize I was bargaining with God. I told him that I could manage losing my daughter as long as I didn't lose my other one. I think just about anyone can understand where I'm coming from. I was really convicted that this is something that I have no right in bargaining.</span></div>
<span style="background-color: white;"><b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /><span style="color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></b>
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<h4 dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 8pt;">
<a href="http://www.biblestudytools.com/genesis/33-5.html" style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: bold; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Genesis 33:5</span></a></h4>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 2pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Then Esau looked up and saw the women and children. "Who are these with you?" he asked. Jacob answered, "They are the children </span><span style="color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">God has graciously given your servant</span><span style="color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">."</span></span></div>
<span style="background-color: white;"><b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /><span style="color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></b>
</span><br />
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 2pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: bold; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Psalm 127:3</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 2pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Children are a </span><span style="color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">gift from the LORD</span><span style="color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">; they are a </span><span style="color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">reward from him</span><span style="color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">. </span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></div>
<span style="background-color: white;"><b style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></b>
</span><br />
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 2pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: bold; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">James 1:17</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 2pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above</span><span style="color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">, coming down from the Father of lights with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change.</span></span></div>
<span style="background-color: white;"><b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /><span style="color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></b>
</span><br />
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 2pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">(italics by me)</span></div>
<span style="background-color: white;"><b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /><span style="color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></b>
</span><br />
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 2pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">What do all these verses have in common? That God gave us our children. They are from him. They do not belong to us. We are given guardianship over our children temporarily in order to raise them for the glory of him.</span></div>
<span style="background-color: white;"><b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /><span style="color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></b>
</span><br />
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 2pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">In reality, everything we're given is from him. When we realize that these are all gifts from him we learn to be grateful. We put our hearts in the right place and don't take them for granted. We appreciate his gifts and cherish them. </span></div>
<span style="background-color: white;"><b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /><span style="color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></b>
</span><br />
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 2pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">A couple months ago a speaker at MOPS spoke about a word in another language called "Brata". A "brata" is gift completely undeserved. She pinpointed that our house, our husband, our children are all "brata's". It may easy to think of these things as gifts but harder to think of them not being in our control. I can't sit and bargain with God and tell him that he can't take Sophia away from me. Who am I to do that? </span></div>
<span style="background-color: white;"><b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /><span style="color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></b>
</span><br />
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 2pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Am I okay with this? Not yet. God's still working with me on it. I can tell you though- I'm so grateful for my gifts both here and in Heaven.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span>Sassafrasshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04934113249973760730noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4944941842207754853.post-8915694498475123302014-03-01T23:46:00.001-06:002014-03-01T23:46:20.695-06:00You never know...Tonight I'm sitting with a margarita in my hand and surrounded by paper, scissors, pens and lots of other scrap booking supplies as I create a memory book for my daughter who I never got to know out of my womb. The pictures that I am gluing to the page are documenting my pregnancy with her; 33 weeks, 38 weeks and so on. This is really all I have with her. Yes I held her in my arms and got to look at her sweet face but I got to know her in utero. She kicked me, she stretched into my ribs and punched my bladder. I had to peed a million times a night -or at least that is what it felt like- and I had heart burn constantly. I have three tiny stretch marks from her stretching out my stomach. My body will never be the same and you know what... I'm completely okay with that.<br />
<br />
Sitting here with all these memories around me is somewhat comforting. These are some of the only things that are tangible that I have of my daughter. I don't have the ability to go scoop her out of her bassinet and kiss her... or smell her sweet baby smell. Heck. I'd even take some explosive poops right now. These thoughts really make me realize the truth behind the thought: " you don't know what you have 'till it's gone". I often see or hear people saying things like: " I hope these next 10 weeks go quickly. The third trimester stinks!". I get that. I really do... I said it.<br />
<br />
Now, I just wish those days back. I had no clue that this is where I'd be sitting 3 weeks post delivery. I can only pray that God uses this horrible circumstance to better me and hopefully better those around me. This is why I share the thoughts I have via blog and FB. If I feel something really firmly, I wonder if God is using it to touch someone near me. If you're that someone that's reading this... Please think twice. I know that sometimes life is tough and hard. BUT, maybe what you have is okay... Maybe you'd miss it if it was gone. Maybe what you think is horrible isn't even the worst of it. Hang in there... Thank God for what you do have and try not to take it for granted. Every day is a blessing and not guaranteed.Sassafrasshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04934113249973760730noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4944941842207754853.post-42410317623987536432014-02-23T20:19:00.000-06:002014-02-23T20:19:02.488-06:00I just don't knowI'm able to start wearing makeup again. For over a week it wasn't even a question.. there was no point. Now for the most part I can get through a day without breaking down and losing it. My eyes may swell with tears and a couple may even leak over but there are less and less moments that take me by surprise. Instead I tend to cry when I do really talk about it and when unexpected things hit (seeing cute baby clothes that I contemplated purchasing).<br />
<br />
Many people say that they are surprised I am doing so well. I don't know what they expect. I don't even know what to expect myself. I'm grateful for Sophia... She is our motivation and it is hard to be sad for long with her. She'll come up with something that melts my heart or make me laugh.<br />
<br />
This grief thing is hard. We didn't bring Naomi home. I never got to smell the sweet baby smell, look into her eyes or hear her cry. I never saw her in my bedroom, never rocked her in the chair or put her in the bassinet. She was never wrapped in the blankets made for her, dressed so sweetly in the outfits bought just for her, or bathed and dried in the towels given to her. I just never had these things. Different than a parent who loses a child that lived in their home my grief is all about the loss of the dreams, of the hopes, of the beginning of a new life.<br />
<br />
I only gained a few pounds with Naomi and can already fit in my pre-pregnancy clothes. I'm actually less weight than when I got pregnant. Sophia was the one that stretched out my stomach so I didn't get stretch marks from Naomi. My milk has dried up and my stitches are dissolved. I have nothing tangible from Naomi other than her footprints, lock of hair and her ashes. Everything is almost like it is was before we got pregnant. Except everything changed.<br />
<br />
Things aren't what they should be... Today, when I should have been picking out birth announcements, I'm trying to finagle some christening invitations into working for our celebration of life service for my daughter in Heaven. We have conversations about how not to forget our daughter. I start the day out great and then realize things like it been two weeks since our little one was last in my arms, that Sophia pulled out a knitted blanket made just for Naomi and was sleeping with it or that the baby girl clearance section that I loved to peruse is no longer necessary.<br />
<br />
I can keep it all together and almost talk like it doesn't affect me until I think about the emotions captured in the few pictures from the hospital, how the outfits bought for the girls to match will never be used jointly or how it kills me to feel like I am unchanged although I carried and gave birth to Naomi. I feel guilty when I feel happy sometimes and not laying in bed and crying my eyes out... Our emotions are on a whirlwind and we never know what the next moment may be.<br />
<br />
I don't know what is next. This anomaly of a thing to happen has now changed our life forever. Now I'll be explaining to acquaintances -that last saw me pregnant- that my baby is in heaven. I'll be catching myself saying "my girls" in a conversation because I won't want to explain to someone who doesn't know and make it sound like I'm on pity parade...<br />
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Before I've stated that God didn't give us Naomi to hurt us and I truly believe that. It doesn't remove the hurt though or the "I miss her" thoughts that constantly surround my heart and head. I know that God is going to use her death in some way; I just don't know what my role in it is going to be.Sassafrasshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04934113249973760730noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4944941842207754853.post-90399856459620739662014-02-15T19:42:00.001-06:002014-02-15T19:42:12.699-06:00Compassion<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">How often do we really know what that word means? How often do we really practice what it means? According to the dictionary it means "a feeling of deep sympathy and sorrow for another who is stricken by misfortune, accompanied by a strong desire to alleviate the suffering." I think its fair enough to say most of us can and would practice this if we knew the other person was " stricken by misfortune." We've received a ton of this. With one phone call placed to our Adult Bible Fellowship (ABF) leader the Calvary -so to speak- was called in. Our pastor and several women from our church were present within an hour. Joe had encouragement from our pastor and these women were early salves to my soul. Two of the women had also lost full term babes and one of which had just picked up several other women from the airport who were on their way to an annual Hope Mommies <a href="http://hopemommies.org/">http://hopemommies.org/</a> retreat. The other women sat outside and prayed while the two women from our church came in and gave me lots of love. They brought literature which is helping me and Joe and giving us a wide perspective. I was also provided information that no mom ever thinks she may need to know such as what to do when your milk comes in and that even though you're walking out of the hospital without a baby- you still had one and your body needs to rest. That piece of advice was especially good for me because it is so against my tendencies and when you don't have a wee one in your arms it can be easy to forget and its something you sometimes want to forget.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Joe's family pulled in together and rallied around us. Joe is one of 6 siblings and all but one are married. His uncle and wife live a little over an hour away and is a general contractor. They all pitched in and loved on us in tangible ways. I receive texts every morning from both of his sisters with encouragement and love and willingness to serve us. They knew we had several projects we had started and were likely to not get finished anytime soon. One of the projects -our shower- had not been touched in two years. We now have our new laminate flooring complete, our shower is tiled only needing a little touch up with grout and our yard has been picked up and a bench and beautiful olive tree provided in Naomi's honor.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Our church and Mops group has assembled a care calendar filled with meals for each evening for almost the next full month. Many people have offered to help in many tangible ways that really have touched my heart. On Tuesday we have some women from my MOPS group coming to clean our house. Several people have mentioned working on a memory garden for Naomi. My sisters in law have picked up Sophia and given us a break. One of them took me shopping as most of my clothes were maternity or used during pregnancy and I wanted to feel pretty again. I received text messages on Friday to encourage me on the first week anniversary of Naomi's heavenly arrival. Many people are lined up to provide play dates and crafting times and whatever alleviates my grief as soon as everyone goes. Needless to say, we have fully felt the deep sympathy and the strong desire as well as actions to alleviate our suffering.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Earlier this last week, my dad and I took Sophia to target to grab some things while some work got finished in the house. Sophia had a difficult time listening and I was definitely on repeat "Sophia, come here!", "Sophia, listen and obey please!", "Sophia sit your bottom down".... So on and so forth. I had many people looking at me and giving me "those looks". I felt like scum. I was trying so hard as a mama but I was emotionally exhausted and she was emotionally confused (too much uncertainty with what was going on). When I got home I really got to thinking about compassion. We've received so much of it from those that know about what was going on but from those that have no clue why I may look like I'm in a daze and trying in futile to control my daughter I receive those disgusted looks. I really took a look within and thought about how often I might do that. Do I have compassion for those around me when their child is acting out or the person is in la la land? Do I remind myself about the fact that maybe they're going through something and just need a little leeway? It's too easy to jump to conclusions but so often we really don't know whats going on behind the scenes. I don't have a sign that says "I lost a baby last week" and nobody else has one for their suffering either. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">This really has convicted me. We need to step outside of our self and share compassion with everyone around us regardless of whatever we know about their suffering.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Some verses to consider:</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: small;"><a class="bibleref" href="http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Ephesians+4%3A32&version=ESV">Ephesians 4:32</a> </span></h3>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: small;"><a class="bibleref" href="http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Galatians+6%3A2&version=ESV">Galatians 6:2</a> </span></h3>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Bear one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.</span></div>
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<a class="bibleref" href="http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Galatians+5%3A22-23&version=ESV"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Galatians 5:22-23</span></a></h3>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law.</span></div>
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<a class="bibleref" href="http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1+Peter+4%3A10&version=ESV"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: small;">1 Peter 4:10</span></a></h3>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">As each has received a gift, use it to serve one another, as good stewards of God's varied grace:</span></div>
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<br />Sassafrasshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04934113249973760730noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4944941842207754853.post-18880006285256247622014-02-09T09:22:00.000-06:002014-02-09T09:26:15.283-06:00Naomi Joan. 2-7-14I recall a conversation I had with several of my MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers) moms about how early its possible to know you're pregnant. You see, I knew I had conceived within a week. At 6 weeks we had it confirmed and my love for my new little one grew. It took us almost a year to get pregnant with our first baby and only a month to get pregnant with our second. God had richly blessed us with this wee one.<br />
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The early months were harder this time. I was way more nauseous and become well acquainted with porcelain. Knowing though that typically this means your HCG levels are higher and you're more likely to get into the "safe" zone was what sometimes what got me through day to day as I chased a busy toddler.<br />
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I never would have thought or guessed that the safe zone for me didn't apply.<br />
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My beautiful little baby grew and grew. We talked about names and when we found out that we were going to have another girl, we quickly decided her name would be Naomi Joan. It was and is the perfect name for her: beautiful and pleasant gift from God. It didn't take me long to hop on the "I get to dress two girls" bandwagon. I quickly got crafty and started making matching hair bows. I started to buy matching outfits with as much frill and fuss as I wanted. I have fully embraced the southern way of dressing girls... and I love it.<br />
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I embraced my pregnant body more now than the first time. It is absolutely amazing what your body can do and I enjoyed it. I took many photos along the way and so many people rejoiced with me as I shared.<br />
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Naomi received two beautiful showers of which I was enormously blessed. The excitement for this baby was beyond just me. It reached all those around our family and the celebration was big. James 1:17 says : "Every good and perfect gift comes from above, coming down from the Father of the Heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows".<br />
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My pregnancy with Naomi couldn't have been more textbook. I lost weight at first and only gained 9 lbs past my pre-pregnancy weight. They were slightly concerned about her growth rate but she quickly proved them wrong as she went from 12th percentile one week to 50th the next.<br />
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She was an active little one. She loved to stick her booty out and her feet in another direction. She thought the most comfortable place to stick her feet was in between my ribs wasn't concerned that this wasn't so comfortable. It made me smile though and I thought about how she must be longer than her sister. Joe felt his wiggly worm this time whereas he said he really couldn't with Soph. I loved seeing his face light up when he felt her move or stick her booty out.<br />
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Each week passed without any issues and soon I found myself at 38 weeks. I had some Braxton Hicks but no hint of an early arrival. My 39 week appointment showed my cervix to still be posterior and I realized our sweet baby had a stubborn streak. She was going to come when she was good and ready. 40 weeks came and went and I started having contractions off and on. I woke up before 5 am with a really sore back and some contractions on the 7th and I just knew that was going to be her day.<br />
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I tracked the contractions all morning and when they got about 7 min apart I called Joe home from work. We were all so excited and off to the hospital we went around 12:15 pm. This was the day we were going to meet our beautiful gift from God. 40 weeks and 2 days into pregnancy and were going to finally meet our little girl.<br />
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We arrived at the hospital with a little pep in our step. I refused a wheelchair and was so excited to walk into Labor and Delivery. There were several contraction breaks along the way as my contractions were now about 3 minutes apart. One of the nurses and a nursing student came into the triage room to get all the hookups on. I was 5 cm dilated and 80% effaced. The nursing student started hooking up the heart monitors on my belly. She kept searching for it and before long my belly was completely covered in gel. She settled on a spot and we all thought she had caught Naomi's heartbeat at 120. When they tried to hook up the second they couldn't find the 120 again and started searching. Now nurse Tammy got involved and she called for another nurse. By the time a third nurse came in with the hand held heart monitor Joe and I both started to get concerned. They kept asking questions like, is your placenta in front (pulling up the ultrasound showed negative) and is she breech (she turned around 32 weeks in)... At this point Joe sent a text to my mom and told her that she should be here. Our hearts absolutely dropped when they called in the doctor on call to do an ultrasound. We were able to see the picture and both were praying for a miracle even though we couldn't see a heart beat. The doctor turned and told us that there wasn't a heart beat and our baby was gone.<br />
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There is no grief like there is when you find out your baby girl who was just kicking you and pushing her sweet booty out now wasn't breathing and there is nothing you can do. We both just cried out to God and bawled. I kept saying God please, Jesus please make a miracle. My mom arrived and we all just started the deep bottom of your heart sobs. I told Joe he needed to call his parents, which he did. He didn't tell them anything but to come. Our doctor came in to do a second opinion and he kept looking and looking. We could tell that his heart broke right along with ours. He let us know that he couldn't see a reason for her passing and it looked to be recent.<br />
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In the midst of grieving I had to hear our options for delivering our sweet girl. If you haven't heard or known my position yet, look back in my blog posts. I was able to deliver Sophia naturally and wanted to for multiple reasons but the biggest ones are for her health and my health. The doctors offered pitocin to speed along labor and I denied it knowing that already being 5 cm would probably mean that I would have her quickly. They offered an epidural and I also denied that. Sometimes I don't know why I feel strongly about a subject until later but right there and then I knew and voiced that Naomi deserved no less. Just because my baby girl wasn't going to be affected by those drugs didn't mean that she deserved less than I would have given her than if they had. I wanted to honor her this way.<br />
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Joe's mom offered to call anyone if need be and I asked her to call our Sunday School teachers. They in turn called our pastor and before we knew it he was there and ready to pray for and support us.<br />
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We were moved out of triage to a room and the nurses were so great about giving us our space to grieve and labor. I was only hooked up temporarily to the blood pressure cuff. The contractions continued and were getting so quick together they were almost on top of each other. During one while I was vocalizing low I remember saying "This one just won't stoooooooop." Shortly after I called nurse Tammy in to do a check because I felt like I almost needed to push. She confirmed that I was 100% dilated and effaced and that she couldn't feel my cervix. In came carts and all the prep for this delivery. I was thankfully still with all my wits about me and told them I wanted the bar up so I could squat. Joe crawled up on the bed behind me to support me and Joe's dad left the room. I let Joe's mom that she could stay if she wanted and it just felt right to have all these people there that loved and will continue to love this little girl.<br />
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The doctor broke my water to help encourage pressure and within minutes I was ready to push. She only needed two pushes to come see us. We saw our sweet girl for the first time at 3:35 pm. God was so merciful. This was the beginning of many of what I've been calling rainbows in the midst of the storm. My labor could have been long and miserable and I could have pushed and pushed but instead it was short and the pain was manageable.<br />
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Naomi Joan was placed on my chest with a blanket and I stared at our sweet girl's face. She looked just like Sophia. The relation was undeniable and made it so much harder and easier at the same time. Joe was next to hold her then the grandparents. We all got our chance to grieve and love this little blessing. They took her to the nursery where they got her weight and length, took a snippet of her hair and did foot prints. Our sweet little girl weighed in at 6lb 8 oz and 20.5 inches long.<br />
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While I was laboring the waiting room was filling up with many people who came to pray and support us. A good friend of my parents who just happened to be in town came. Along with some of my friends came some people from my church who had also lost full term babies. Another situation came to light that showed again God's timing and grace. One of the gals was on the way to a retreat with several ladies she had picked up from the airport. They were all part of a group of women that had lost babies in the last several years. These women sat and prayed for me and our family. The ladies from my church were able to pray for me and love on me and give me some very practical advice like what helps when your milk comes in or that when you go home to remember that you DID labor and deliver and your body needs to rest.<br />
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Our nursing staff was incredible and so supportive but gave us plenty of space. They were genuinely warm and loving without being too morose and disheartening. We were told we could go home that evening after about 6 hours.<br />
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One of the hardest parts of the whole situation is having to make decisions when your heart is so broken. We had to decide on a funeral home and generally what our plan was in terms of arrangements. We had to answer many questions so they could fill out the death certificate.<br />
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My mom picked up Sophia from playing with her cousin (I have yet to mention that Naomi shares a birthday with her big boy cousin) and we were able to have a small heart reprieve by loving on her for a little bit before she went home and got to have a "normal" night with grandma. Joe's sister Beth came and spent over an hour talking with us while we waited to be discharged and that small talk was so nice. It was less for us to have to think about and filled the void.<br />
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Sleep that night was rough even being in our own bed. I slept hard till 3 am but woke up and couldn't sleep anymore. Night so far is the hardest. It is filled with quiet for our thoughts and reminders of what we do not have.<br />
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We were so prepared to bring home our sweet little girl. We had bought new outfits for her, set up the bassinet and rocking chair in our room and had prepared our hearts. We were ready for sleepless nights, newborn noises and many dirty diapers. I was ready to nurse again and snuggle this little one. I was ready for little free time and to make no plans for the near future as it was quite possibly going to be chaotic. Waking up in the middle of the night to silence and no baby to cuddle or feed, no noises to hear and no chaos to calm has been so very difficult but so necessary to grieve.<br />
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We do not know the reason why Naomi was only with us for 40 weeks and 2 days but we know that God did NOT give her to us to hurt us. He blessed us with her even though it was short. The memories that we have with her are priceless and we wouldn't give them up for anything. Of course we want her here with all of us. These continue to be my cries in the middle of the night but I'm thankful for every moment that I did have. I'm thankful for our beautiful and pleasant gift from God. We will see her again in Heaven and I cannot wait to rock my sweet baby and look into her beautiful eyes. Until then, dear Jesus, I pray that you hold her tightly for me, love on her, give her all the kisses I would and let her know how very loved she is still down on the earth.<br />
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We love you Naomi Joan, always and forever.<br />
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<br />Sassafrasshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04934113249973760730noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4944941842207754853.post-29373214421021047052013-06-20T18:32:00.001-05:002013-06-20T18:32:01.339-05:00Love BugI wish I could get pictures for y'all. Mini me at 18 months is turning into a little love bug. She has been randomly providing hugs and kisses and it is absolutely melting this mama's heart!<br />
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She has the sweetest little spirit. When daddy comes in the house she screams "HIIII" and runs toward him. She may not want to be held for long but she wants to give him a hug.<br />
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The dogs also get a good bit of loving, even if its a little tough love sometimes. They will get kisses, hugs and sometimes they even play chase.<br />
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Skype is one of her favorite things. She gets to talk to her "friiiend" aka Grandma and Grandpa. She usually shares a big "HIIIIII", sometimes a random "Bah" (bye) gets mixed in, but almost always says "Um, no." What a crackup.<br />
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Speaking of talking, I absolutely adore catching her talking on a phone, she has several play ones that work just as well as mama's do.. (ha just kidding... mine plays videos.) She usually has a lot of jibber jabber but in the middle will say "UMMMMMMMMM". So fun.<br />
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As I'm writing this, she pats me and says "Hi" and then leans up and gives me a kiss. BE STILL MY HEART!<br />
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One of her newest things is to put her sunhat on (which she refuses to wear pool side etc) and march around. She may read with it or play with her toys but either way she thinks that she is one cool kid.<br />
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I adore being this little one's mama and am so grateful that I get to be there daily to watch her grow up and invest in her. She's one of my greatest gifts from God.<br />
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<br />Sassafrasshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04934113249973760730noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4944941842207754853.post-62629427839975732802013-05-13T10:03:00.000-05:002013-05-13T11:03:12.923-05:00My Identity.<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Growing up my identity was always the kid who moved a lot, a daughter, a sister, and always the Christian girl. It's been a struggle for me during most phases of my life for one reason or another. Along with being home schooled I was in 5 different schools before middle school. Most of the other kids had been raised with their class for awhile and I always felt like an outsider... </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The same identity continued and freshman year I remember a kid in my Christian school saying, "Nobody cares you lived in Singapore". Junior year we moved back to Singapore and for the first time in my life I went to a non-christian school. My identity then was not so much the outsider as it was the good Christian girl. My senior year I had a girl spreading rumors about me and talking about how happy I was always. Psalm 3 was my saving grace that year. I remember praying constantly with tears in my eyes and holding still to that God was in control and that [he] "was<span style="background-color: white;"> a shield</span><sup class="crossreference" style="font-weight: bold; vertical-align: top;" value="(<a href="#cen-NIV-13961C" title="See cross-reference C">C</a>)"></sup><span style="background-color: white;"> </span><span style="background-color: white;">around me,</span><span class="indent-1-breaks" style="line-height: 0;"> </span><span class="text Ps-3-3" style="position: relative;">my glory, the One who lift[ed] my head high.</span><span style="background-color: white;">I call[ed]out to the</span><span style="background-color: white;"> </span><span class="small-caps" style="font-variant: small-caps;">Lord</span><span style="background-color: white;">,</span><span class="indent-1-breaks" style="line-height: 0;"> </span><span class="text Ps-3-4" style="position: relative;">and he answer[ed] me from his holy mountain." vs 3-4.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">College was better but I still had my struggles as a lot of the kids came from the same areas and I just didn't know where to fit in. My parents also still lived overseas and so I was on my own for the first time. I'll admit it now but I allowed society to start to filter my thoughts. I have had dry and plentiful periods in my faith since high school on but as I grew into adult hood I started to allow other peoples opinions to have a marking place on my personal growth chart.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span class="text Ps-3-4" style="position: relative;">My life has changed again and again since 2008. I started dating my husband, married him, moved to Virginia, supported him during the navy and several career options, moved to Texas, had a little girl, bought a house, supported my husband with different schedules in work and adding school to his schedule, and I've tried to find my place in our new town. </span></span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The move to Texas has been my hardest one yet (I've moved 10 times across state and the world) as I didn't immediately start work or school. Finding friends has been limited and difficult. It's either through church, Joe's work or through people I already know. Although I am Sara, I am now Sophia's mom and Joe's wife and my main work is the latter two.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">In 2008 and 2009 I sought council about how to handle the beginning of the "claims" of my identity by others. It wasn't bad advice as I was advised to love as Jesus loved and to stand strong to who I am. The difference though is in how I interpreted the advice. Instead of pouring into myself and making sure I don't deduce who I am in Christ, I started to try to make these people like me. It was several different groups of people over the past 5 years. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Recent events have really caused me to second think my decisions and beliefs then and now. In my Mops group we were challenged to keep our identity in line. The phrase that sticks with me is that our "identity should never be primarily mother instead the daughter of the King." Several verses have really struck a cord since then, "<span style="background-color: white; line-height: 23.09375px;">1 Samuel 16:7</span><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 23.09375px;"> </span></span><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; line-height: 23.09375px;">But the LORD said to Samuel, "Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The LORD does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart." and </span><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; line-height: 23.09375px;">Galatians 4:6-7</span><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; line-height: 23.09375px;"> </span><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; line-height: 23.09375px;">Because you are sons, God sent the Spirit of his Son into our hearts, the Spirit who calls out, "Abba, Father." So you are no longer a slave, but a son; and since you are a son, God has made you also an heir.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The last several years have been the hardest. I have been personally attacked and made to feel like I'm less of a person. I've felt unloved, unwanted and undesired. I've been made to feel like a bad christian, a bad wife and a bad mother. My life has been under a proverbial microscope and every little part has been analyzed. </span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; line-height: 23.09375px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">What it comes down to is this, I blame nobody but myself for allowing me to feel like less. Although others are guilty for what they've said and done, I am guilty for what I've allowed that to make me feel like. Eleanor Roosevelt said (or at least pinterest claims she said), "Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent." I have made my mistakes and apologized for them. I am not perfect nor will I ever pretend to be perfect. I am a sinner but at the end of the day </span></span><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; line-height: 23.09027862548828px;">I'm an heir to the kingdom of God and as a result, in Christ </span><span style="background-color: white; line-height: 23.09375px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I am important, loved, needed, and enough. I'm a good mother, a good wife, a good friend and a good daughter. I will make mistakes but I will do my best, with God's help, to always own up to them and allow them to better myself. I'm done allowing others to dictate how I should be or feel. Isaiah 46:4 says, I have made you and I will carry you. I will sustain you and I will rescue you. My first and foremost identity is God's daughter. My second is being Joe's wife. My third is being Sophia's mother. That's the way it should be and aligned that way I will always be able to remember that in Him I am enough. He calls me HIS! How amazing is that?</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; line-height: 23.09375px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">God has truly blessed me. I have amazing parents, siblings, an amazing and supportive husband, a beautiful child, and great people in my life. The last several months God has placed some godly people in our lives that support us, love us and encourage us. He knew we needed this and has begun to heal my heart.</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; line-height: 23.09375px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I challenge anyone that reads this to always remember their identity. Never think that you're without your failings but stand strong to who you are in Christ. Allow Him and Him alone to dictate your worth. In Him, you are worthy, holy and called. </span></span></div>
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Sassafrasshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04934113249973760730noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4944941842207754853.post-63807076814206200382013-02-08T18:56:00.001-06:002013-02-08T18:56:13.093-06:00These are a few of my favorite things!The last two days have been loooong. After naptime yesterday I headed to CVS to start some errands. Sophia had a well time diaper fill while we were out and about so I had to stop and change her in an awkward public bathroom (NEVER the same as home). About halfway through picking up some things, I overheard an employee mention how a car got hit in the parking lot. Soon thereafter they asked me if I was the proud owner of a Ford Escape. Why yes yes I was the lucky one who got their PARKED car hit. The lady even had the gall to go shopping and I waited by her car. After spending 25 minutes to get the insurance information from her, I was on my way home with said shopping basket ignored in the store. My bumper was so badly hit that it was falling off and cracked almost in half. So I continued to use the rest of ,my "errand day" on the phone to get insurance figured out. Oh yeah, that insurance information? Was ALL wrong!!! Today, I waited for the inspector guy to check out my car and he thinks it should be over 1600$ in damage. I proceeded to take it to the shop, get a rental (which my awesome bro in law helped hook up) and then head back home because it was already past nap time. She only got about an hour and then we went to run those errands we were supposed to yesterday. By the time we got home, Sophia was so exhausted that she refused to nap. <br />
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So this evening, I'm relaxing on the floor playing with my favorite one year old, God placed on my heart the song from The Sound of Music and specifically the lyrics: "These are a few of my favorite things"... It is so easy to think about how hard your days are and get yourself in such a tizzy and forget what good things are there for you. Sophia and I weren't in the car, we did not get hurt, we have awesome insurance that is helping make sure their insurance is working so we don't have to pay a dime, and we have a great car to go around in for the next week or so until we get our precious Escape back. Although, Sophia has had to be quite patient with me as I have dealt with all these things, she has been an absolute blessing. She's been pretty happy and not too fussy.<br />
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I think God brought that song to mind to remind me of what could have been; and so I am going to share some of my favorite things these days....<br />
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- My daughter's big hugs and kisses<br />
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- Bed time, hers AND mine<br />
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- My daughters imagination and humor coming out. It's been so fun to see this little kid grow up and not be a baby any more (shes currently wearing two of my reusable grocery bags and walking around the house)<br />
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- Her poop face. I still have yet to capture it on photo and as much as cleaning it up is no fun, the actual face will ALWAYS make me smile and laugh<br />
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- My sweet husband. He's really understanding more and more of how to bless me. The other day, I took a nap and he cleaned up the house some!<br />
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- The joy on my childs face when her favorite things happen.... (When music starts playing, she talks to her grandma and grandpa via skype etc)<br />
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- The small time when I get to craft and have some "me" time.<br />
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- the progress my husband and I are making in home renovations, especially in our "oasis"/bedroom.<br />
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We are truly blessed even with a car in the shop! Thanks God for making me think twice!<br />
Sassafrasshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04934113249973760730noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4944941842207754853.post-20243109753314965752013-01-18T21:43:00.001-06:002013-01-18T21:43:24.823-06:007 Months- forgot I had it saved!Sophia!<br />
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This has been a huge month for you! Talk about growing leaps and bounds. We had a multi-destination trip this last month and you were such a trooper. We first went to Minnesota where you got to meet your great grandparents, my aunts, my uncles and cousins as well as some family friends. Mom and Auntie Abby met us there and we all drove back to Montana together. We then spent 2 wonderful weeks at the ranch. </div>
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You had so many new firsts and had so much fun. You got your second tooth in... I can't get over how adorable you look with those two little pearly whites. Even though before we left you started crawling it was more like the inch worm crawl. Up down Up down. During the trip you became a crawling champion. Amazingly too- you also started to pull yourself up on things. Straws became a new fascination as you learned to drink from them. Not all of it is swallowed and there's a bunch of backwash but you think it's pretty cool. Of course we also can't leave out that you sat on horses for the first time! It was like sitting on big puppy dogs and you thought that was great!!!</div>
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Daddy couldn't believe how much you changed when we got back and loved seeing your personality come out. Oh Man Oh Man what a personality it is! You are hysterical- all laughs and smiles. We get lots of giggles out of you too. I adore watching you grow up sweet baby girl and am so proud of who you've become thus far.</div>
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Love you sweet thing! </div>
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Mama</div>
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Sassafrasshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04934113249973760730noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4944941842207754853.post-33583088590654462202013-01-18T21:43:00.000-06:002013-01-18T21:43:01.519-06:00Long time no see.It has been wayyy too long since I've hopped on here and typed up! So many things have happened.<br />
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- Sophia celebrated her first thanksgiving... It was a lot of fun that she could actually eat all of Gigi's food! She also took her first steps on thanksgiving day!<br />
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- As I figured, as soon as she figured out those few steps she took off! Less than two months later she is so close to running.<br />
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- S now has 10 teeth! 10!<br />
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- J finished his second semester of college; with fabulous grades. I am so proud of him. <br />
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- Supporting a husband that is in college and working full time is not easy and rather exhausting.<br />
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- I started refinishing my kitchen cabinets. They're looking gorgeous and have about half of them completed! Currently on hold until the bedroom gets finished... (See below)<br />
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- We celebrated Sophia's first birthday! I started planning early and I think it went really well! We did pink/teal with yellow and owl accents. She was all about eating the icing and didn't need much encourage to dig into the cake. I ended up pulling it from her because she was so enthusiastic. She had so much fun with all her new toys and thought pulling tissues from the bag was more fun than ripping up wrapping paper.<br />
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- We were impressed that Sophia went to sleep in a pack in play at a friends house, in the same room as their daughter went to sleep. Love the adult time!<br />
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- Our family got to spend Christmas with both sides. We hosted Christmas Eve brunch at our house (I even made delicious cinnamon roll from scratch!) and then we had way too much fun at Joe's brother's and sister in laws. <br />
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- Christmas morning we headed to Montana. Our flight got in at 11 and we got to spend two weeks with family. Joe really needed the break from both school and work. <br />
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- Our room is getting an Oasis makeover. Seriously, all parents need their space and we're working on making ours have some serious swag. In the middle or re-doing the floors (Pergo XP Handsawn Oak- GORGEOUS) we realized we wouldn't have enough... Wouldn't you have it? The flooring is out of stock... So now we're grateful that we have a guestroom while we wait for it. Also, taking advantage of no baseboards and I'm getting the walls painted! <br />
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- Joe started his 3rd semester. I swear, I never had this bad of luck with professors. I feel so bad for him. He's had such demanding and frustrating instructors. It's even harder because almost all of them have been really disorganized and if you know Joe, disorganized and lack of logic drives Joe BATTY!<br />
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- We're trying to plan a getaway/honeymoon. Finally! It's been almost 4 years in the making... It will be a little smaller than originally planned. But we will have a good time no matter what...Sassafrasshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04934113249973760730noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4944941842207754853.post-87641422084053236592012-08-02T18:44:00.000-05:002012-08-02T18:44:25.792-05:00Food Challenge!It is way too easy to get into a cooking rut! When I got back from my 3 week trip I felt like I had to remind myself even how to cook. Now that I have a mobile 7 month old it gets even more difficult! SO! I have decided to give myself a new type of challenge. I already know that by doing preparation during nap time making dinner is a much seamless and easier task. I'm going to add another step. I'm going to have recipes for the next month planned out and even have my shopping lists all ready bimonthly. I'll set it up in the refrigerator with each meal in a certain place. I'm so excited to not only do this but also try a bunch of new recipes. I will have to keep y'all updated with the progress and some recipe ideas. I challenge y'all to spice it up too!Sassafrasshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04934113249973760730noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4944941842207754853.post-13670619719388447772012-06-26T11:37:00.000-05:002012-06-26T11:37:22.596-05:00Teeth and Big Trip!Announcement!!! Sophia's first tooth popped through! Finally! I think the second one is just right behind it because it seems to still be bothering her. As soon as we can thoroughly see the tooth I will post a picture of a cute smiley TOOTHY baby! Can't believe we have a tooth!<br />
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Tomorrow Sophia and I head off for a three week trip. As much as I am so stinking excited for the trip, I am a little sad because Joe won't be able to come with us at all. We've done one deployment apart but right now 3 weeks seems so long especially because baby's change so much so quickly. First stop in our 3 week excursion is to Minnesota where all of my mom's family is from. Sophia gets to meet her great grandparents, 4 great aunts (and their husbands), lots of my cousins as well as family friends. Most of these people I haven't seen in 3-6 years! My mom and sister will be meeting us in Minnesota and then Sophia and I'll drive back to Montana with them. We'll be back just in time to go to my favorite Rodeo (haven't been in 3 years) during the 4th of July week. I'm so grateful that we'll also be able to spend a full 2 weeks with my parents and siblings in picturesque Montana. I do miss it so much and am going to get to see good friends and even some more family members who I haven't seen in probably 10 years! I can't wait to share pictures etc with y'all and will try to update during the trip!!!<br />
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Can you feel my excitement from where you're sitting? I think I use too many exclamation marks. ha!Sassafrasshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04934113249973760730noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4944941842207754853.post-74833376520885210122012-06-20T22:27:00.003-05:002012-06-20T22:27:51.931-05:006 months!Sweet Sophia,<br />
You're now 6 months old! Whaaaat! Where did time go?! Daddy and I were just talking about how incredible our life can change in just a year but we wouldn't change it for the world. We're so very glad that you are part of our life. We are such hopeless saps whenever you smile and giggle at us which is quite often these days. All we really have to do is look at you and make a silly sound or face and we get ear to ear grins.<br />
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We're still waiting for those teeth to come through. I am sure hoping that they make an appearance soon because they are making you whiny and fussy! Normally when you wake up you talk to yourself for awhile but these teeth seem to make you just cry. Your sleep schedule hasn't altered much- you almost put yourself to bed at 8pm and are up by 8am with only one feeding in between.<br />
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You're getting to be such a big girl and we couldn't be more proud of you! You've begun your own type of crawling but can definitely get around. Also, not only are you able to sit up by yourself but you are also close to being able to push yourself up from a knee position to a sitting!<br />
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The freezer is getting more and more full of baby food as you're trying so much. We've added spinach, green peas, pears, peaches, avocados and pineapple into your food repertoire! It's amazing how you like to just gobble it all up but I secretly still love how much you still want your mama because that time together is just so precious.<br />
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Monday was your 6 month checkup and Mama has a love/hate relationship with the appointments! I love them because I get to see how much you've grown but I hate them because you have to get shots. :( You're now 27 inches long ( 90% percentile!) and 14.8 lbs (36% percentile). The part that makes me giggle is that your head is considered 0 percentile. You have such a little petite head but we love it! The size of your noggin doesn't matter- you're so smart anyway!!!!<br />
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We love you sweet baby girl and are so excited to watch you continue to grow and grow!<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Father's Day Gift for Daddy- 2012</td></tr>
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<br />Sassafrasshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04934113249973760730noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4944941842207754853.post-5914249537854559052012-06-06T19:50:00.000-05:002012-06-06T19:50:04.826-05:00NOT unemployed! - A little ranting and raving.Caution: Personal convictions and opinions abound:<div>
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When I was about 6 weeks pregnant we moved just north of Austin on a total faith walk. Joe got out of the navy, got a good job and we were staying in a hotel while we found other housing. I had no plans yet to work when we moved and then we found out we were pregnant so working plans went on hold even longer. It just didn't make sense to go to work for a few months and then quit. Because you see, Joe and I made a decision early on in our relationship... As long as it would be financially possible (and we intended to always make it possible even if Joe had to work 2 jobs) and until our children were in school, I would not work outside the home. But this did NOT mean that I was going to be unemployed!!!<div>
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When I would go to my postpartum checkups the front desk clerk would always confirm, "You're not currently employed correct?" I constantly have to fill out forms and claim the unemployed check-mark. I went to a work event of my husbands and asked what I do for work and about half the people say something along the lines of, "where do you work?". This so saddens me! Where in our society have we gone from it being awkward to be a working mom to being awkward to be at home with your kiddo? Not only do they wonder why I don't work but they fully expect me to not also have a degree. No, I have a degree and would love to work but right now its not where I need to be.</div>
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We completely believe that being a mom is a full time job and a wonderful calling. By being with my daughter and future children all day, I get to raise my own child. I know what she's hearing and seeing. Yes I would love to get my masters and work but it's just not the time yet. I need to invest my heart and time into my child and I know that it will be the best investment I will EVER make. </div>
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I am NOT unemployed. I just need to make that clear. I have a job: I am Joe's wife and Sophia's mother. My day consists of lots of diapers, cleaning, laundry, dogs (yes we have 3), errands, activities... I stay busy loving on my kiddo, invoking lots of laughter, smiles and encouraging growth and proper stimulation. I wouldn't trade it for the world.</div>
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Here's a little glimpse into my awesome world.</div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Sweetest little baby!</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Getting to be such a big girl! Loves to push up and doing beginning stages of crawling.</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">My two loves (one with a ridiculous mustache) on Memorial Day *note: husband had been so far removed from military world that he had forgotten which side ribbon rack went on and noticed later...</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Sophia getting cleaned up by her biggest fan club after some baby food!</td></tr>
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</div>Sassafrasshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04934113249973760730noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4944941842207754853.post-59061929628678838872012-05-18T10:41:00.001-05:002012-05-18T10:47:23.208-05:00Mothers DayEver since I was little when asked who my hero was, I would respond my Mom. She and I always had a close relationship. Even when I was a teenager we would have our arguments and come back in mutual appreciation for each other.<br />
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My Mama is a blue eyed, blond haired bombshell! I'll let her picture speak for itself...<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="font-size: 13px;">Yeah she doesn't look like a Grandma to me either!</td></tr>
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What is most amazing about my Mama is that her external beauty is only a fraction of her internal beauty. Unless you met her you wouldn't completely understand, but this is some of why I can say that.<br />
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This past Sunday in our Bible Study fellowship we spoke of how our Mom's changed our lives. Since I was one of the last to speak I heard everyone else's comments first... I kept thinking, yep my mom is like that, yep my mom does that. It was really hard to pick one thing that changed my life because everything that I am is because of my Mom. (Ok some bad habits may be from my dad .. hehe)<br />
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The one thing I picked is that my mom is the most hospitable person that I know. If you met my mom, you would feel instantly liked, instantly happy and instantly at home. She may just have 3 biological children but she has countless others that call her Mom. She attended events of kids that didn't belong to her. She hosted many parties and stayed up many late nights helping one person or another. My mama can throw together a gala in hours or put together more food for company in minutes.<br />
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She is this insanely capable woman. She moved our family 9 times (4 times across oceans) not counting the times from an apartment to house etc. She has managed 3 kids schedules and a husband who traveled throughout our childhood about half of the year. We have had hamsters, rabbits, cats, dogs, fish, turtles and horses. Whew now that I type that I realize even more so what all my mom handled!<br />
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My mama is the most beautiful chameleon. She can wear linen and heels and host tea parties in Singapore one month and the next month wear jeans, cowboy boots and a baseball cap and train horses. She adapts to any situation necessary with unassuming grace, elegance and poise.<br />
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Now that I'm a mom too, I understand some of what my mom did. I now understand sleepless nights, exhaustion and being mom even when you feel sick. I see how little "me time" my mom had and how incredible it was that she was able to keep our home spotless.<br />
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I am so blessed to have Joan as my mom. I didn't just grow up, she raised me. I am so blessed that she helped guide me into marriage and now into motherhood. She's an incredible woman, mom and now grandma.<br />
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Thanks Mama for all you are, all you did and all you love me.<br />
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<br />Sassafrasshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04934113249973760730noreply@blogger.com1