Its 2015 which means that we have officially entered another year without our sweet Naomi in our arms. It's had been one heck of a year. We've had everything break on us, lots of things to fix and not much happiness. Through it all. God has given us joy in the midst and taught us lots of lessons. I have not come out from 2014 unscathed and I'm okay with that. I'm glad for my war wounds it means that she has made an impression on my life. Those little feet have touched this world even if they never did physically.
We've learned a lot, at some point I'll be able to hopefully share it all but for now I figured I would share the biggest lesson that we've learned in a multi-part blog. What is that lesson you say? Grief. We got thrown into the depths of those muddy waters and are starting to come out. We've learned what it means but also what it means to those around us and how others can walk the path alongside those in grief.
What does Grief even mean? The dictionary defines it as:
1. keen mental suffering or distress over affliction or loss; sharp sorrow; painful regret.
2) a cause or occasion of keen distress or sorrow
However, each and every person has a different experience and that what makes it so intangible. No-one really knows what to do especially when a child leaves this earth. It becomes a taboo subject and causes more insult to the injury. There are common threads in grief though and that is what we should keep in mind. Here are some:
1) Everyone grieves differently. Allow them to. We learned this with my husband and I... But I also see it as I interact with other people who have lost loved ones especially little ones.
2) Grief doesn't just end/ You don't just "get over it". You get through it and learn how your life is going to be "after". The before is gone. Although I feel pretty good these days, I know that my thought process and daily life is very different after my daughter went to heaven.
3) Grief can hit you in ways you can't expect at times you can't expect AND it's okay! There are times where I don't even know what triggered it. I just feel flat lined emotionally and know I need to give myself extra grace.
4) There are things that can cause grief to be worse. I only want to lightly tough on this now, because I will be talking about alleviating and helping someone through grief in part 2. The biggest thing one can do is just to ignore that the child died. And no I'm not talking about talking about that day in the hospital. I'm talking about saying her name.(please! Say it!) Thinking with me often about how she may be... (Would she be annoying her big sister these days?) and so on. Do you know someone that haven't been able to bring a baby home? Make sure to tell them Happy Mother/Fathers Day! It's hard when someone forgets they are a parent even if they are doing a different model of parenting than we may think.
I may need to add to this as we continue to walk the grief journey... It's just one step a day, one day at a time...
Wednesday, January 28, 2015
Wednesday, October 29, 2014
Update on ME.
There is so much I want to say that I'm just not even sure where to start. I guess I'll go with this... (Warning, some female talk.. keeping it PG though). I just need to get my words on paper...
After Sophia, I had some hormonal issues that showed that my estrogen levels plummeted. Physically some stuff happened and I didn't lose a POUND even with nursing. But when I got pregnant with Naomi, my body dropped 13 pounds quickly like I had the first time. My pregnancies were totally normal and we were able to get pregnant without any assistance/medical interference. After losing Naomi, I didn't know what my new normal was.
Many people may not realize that losing a baby is unlike any other kind of losses. Your body goes through so much and you have no clue what is okay. It took almost 3 months for my monthlies to come back and when they did they were miserable. Cramps that hurt more than before, heavier and longer lasting and I was moodier. Basically they sucked and were a constant reminder. They were also extremely close together and although they have now spaced out to 28 days, I am spotting when I should be ovulating.
I started working out in February and did a hard core couple a months but again... didn't lose a pound. on top of this, I've been having daily headaches, dry skin, hot flashes and I just don't feel right. So I decided to be pro-active and went into my primary care physician and had blood drawn. It came back that my estrogen was about the level as a menopausal woman. At 26 years of age, this is NOT okay. I'm referred to my OBGYN and didn't really get any answers. So again... I decided to be pro-active and went to another doctor. We've done more blood draws, exams and an ultrasound and the diagnosis...
Polycystic ovary syndrome.
So apparently on top of grieving, on top of Joe's crazy schedule (I'll get to that in a bit), I have PCOS. It has been recommended to me by this new doc to gt a endometrial biopsy which will cost me several hundred dollars out of pocket. This is just not in the budget right now and it isn't top priority.
Why is this so frustrating? Well. After a stillborn loss, you're typically encouraged to wait a little bit to get pregnant again. Your body needs it, your mind needs it....overall you need it! So Joe and I had come to an agreement that after my best friend's wedding we would stop preventing. Now, with this new diagnosis.. I'm not sure I can get pregnant without some kind of medication. I've actually had to push for a appointment to talk to the doctor about this diagnosis and what it means... She didn't recommend it.
I want to cry and usually do almost every day. I can't help but say that right now things don't feel too promising. I miss my daughter so much and really expected to be busy with a baby these days. I'm excited to see those around me have their kids but it is hard. The experiences they're getting, I haven't gotten and miss, and apparently having another one is not going to be an easy go. I know the word fair isn't really correct, but man... It isn't fair!
I'm just tired. Joe is going to a different school... I will be able to share more later but he is currently out of the house for over 80 hours a week. He's gone Mon-Thur night and all day Saturdays for school. He comes home late, so even if I were to get to bed at a good time, I'd be awoken by him going to bed... Instead of being able to leave Sophia at home to go meet with a friend or run an errand, I can't... I don't get breaks. (He doesn't either though). The fact that my hormones are so messed up doesn't help my energy level either. We're both tired and tend to get grumpier at each other than we should... We figure this out pretty quick though and are fine. Just ready for a vacation when this is all done.
Everything is breaking around us. Since February we have had to replace 2 separate sections of our ac/heater unit, the total of the two costing over 2k, replace our water heater, tear out our tub, replace 4 tires on my car and the brakes and I feel like I'm missing something.. It doesn't help when you feel finances squeeze and your
I'm lonely most days. I'm thankful for some friends here, ones that care and help out but especially with Joe gone so much, its just a lonely road. Joe's going through this school for a better future, so right now It's just putting one foot in front of the other and hoping for something to actually go right.
Otherwise I'm doing ok. I miss my girl and random things make me cry but I'm able to have joy. I'm so grateful for Sophia. I can't be sitting still for long with her, so I have to keep moving. I'm hopeful for some more kids in our household and I think Joe and I are going to start the process to get certified so when we're able to adopt we can.
One Day at a Time, One step at a Time.
After Sophia, I had some hormonal issues that showed that my estrogen levels plummeted. Physically some stuff happened and I didn't lose a POUND even with nursing. But when I got pregnant with Naomi, my body dropped 13 pounds quickly like I had the first time. My pregnancies were totally normal and we were able to get pregnant without any assistance/medical interference. After losing Naomi, I didn't know what my new normal was.
Many people may not realize that losing a baby is unlike any other kind of losses. Your body goes through so much and you have no clue what is okay. It took almost 3 months for my monthlies to come back and when they did they were miserable. Cramps that hurt more than before, heavier and longer lasting and I was moodier. Basically they sucked and were a constant reminder. They were also extremely close together and although they have now spaced out to 28 days, I am spotting when I should be ovulating.
I started working out in February and did a hard core couple a months but again... didn't lose a pound. on top of this, I've been having daily headaches, dry skin, hot flashes and I just don't feel right. So I decided to be pro-active and went into my primary care physician and had blood drawn. It came back that my estrogen was about the level as a menopausal woman. At 26 years of age, this is NOT okay. I'm referred to my OBGYN and didn't really get any answers. So again... I decided to be pro-active and went to another doctor. We've done more blood draws, exams and an ultrasound and the diagnosis...
Polycystic ovary syndrome.
So apparently on top of grieving, on top of Joe's crazy schedule (I'll get to that in a bit), I have PCOS. It has been recommended to me by this new doc to gt a endometrial biopsy which will cost me several hundred dollars out of pocket. This is just not in the budget right now and it isn't top priority.
Why is this so frustrating? Well. After a stillborn loss, you're typically encouraged to wait a little bit to get pregnant again. Your body needs it, your mind needs it....overall you need it! So Joe and I had come to an agreement that after my best friend's wedding we would stop preventing. Now, with this new diagnosis.. I'm not sure I can get pregnant without some kind of medication. I've actually had to push for a appointment to talk to the doctor about this diagnosis and what it means... She didn't recommend it.
I want to cry and usually do almost every day. I can't help but say that right now things don't feel too promising. I miss my daughter so much and really expected to be busy with a baby these days. I'm excited to see those around me have their kids but it is hard. The experiences they're getting, I haven't gotten and miss, and apparently having another one is not going to be an easy go. I know the word fair isn't really correct, but man... It isn't fair!
I'm just tired. Joe is going to a different school... I will be able to share more later but he is currently out of the house for over 80 hours a week. He's gone Mon-Thur night and all day Saturdays for school. He comes home late, so even if I were to get to bed at a good time, I'd be awoken by him going to bed... Instead of being able to leave Sophia at home to go meet with a friend or run an errand, I can't... I don't get breaks. (He doesn't either though). The fact that my hormones are so messed up doesn't help my energy level either. We're both tired and tend to get grumpier at each other than we should... We figure this out pretty quick though and are fine. Just ready for a vacation when this is all done.
Everything is breaking around us. Since February we have had to replace 2 separate sections of our ac/heater unit, the total of the two costing over 2k, replace our water heater, tear out our tub, replace 4 tires on my car and the brakes and I feel like I'm missing something.. It doesn't help when you feel finances squeeze and your
I'm lonely most days. I'm thankful for some friends here, ones that care and help out but especially with Joe gone so much, its just a lonely road. Joe's going through this school for a better future, so right now It's just putting one foot in front of the other and hoping for something to actually go right.
Otherwise I'm doing ok. I miss my girl and random things make me cry but I'm able to have joy. I'm so grateful for Sophia. I can't be sitting still for long with her, so I have to keep moving. I'm hopeful for some more kids in our household and I think Joe and I are going to start the process to get certified so when we're able to adopt we can.
One Day at a Time, One step at a Time.
Saturday, March 22, 2014
Remember Her.
Tonight my husband and I sat down in order to nail down some thoughts and expectations for Naomi's celebration of life. We knew we wanted to do a balloon release, have our pastor talk and have it in nature but that was about as far as our thoughts went. Talking about our girl and what our expectations were definitely was hard and brought up a lot of emotions and other thoughts. I am exhausted emotionally right now but wanted to get the words down.
One of the hardest things to do post Naomi's return to Jesus is to tell people that don't know what happened. In many ways I blindside them. Nobody expects a baby at 40 weeks to die in the womb... Very little people hear of a stillbirth at that point or know someone that goes through it. Our culture is really horrible about how we death with infant death. I'm sure I'll blog more about that at some point because it is truly on my heart. We pretend that if we don't talk about a baby's death that it goes away. It doesn't. That baby still died and the hopes, dreams and future is no longer there. If the parents are believers then they will meet their baby again in Heaven but everything earthly is ripped away...
When I have to explain my situation to someone, I can summarize the responses in two ways: "I'm so sorry! What happened?!" and "I'm so sorry!! I don't want to bring it up and cause you more pain." Unless you've been in my shoes or in a similar pair,one doesn't know what to say and that's ok... I get that. I don't hold any ill regard to them. I really don't. I have been dealing with the death of my daughter for 6 weeks now. I think about her so many times a day that I couldn't count... the other person never saw it coming.
Although Naomi's death absolutely stinks and I would love nothing more to have her here there is also joy. Besides the joy of her being with Jesus and knowing nothing more than love and perfection in Heaven, there is the joy that we had while we had her with us. I love being a proud mama and talking about my daughter. Although at times it may be painful because I miss her, it really doesn't hurt me to talk about her. There is a difference. I love talking about my daughter. I loved when someone asks me how much she weighed, or what she looked like. I love being a proud mama. Someone this last week commented that I didn't just lose a baby, I lost a child. It is so true. I no longer have my daughter here but by not talking about her, it is doing me no good. Parents of children in Heaven like to talk about their babies. We want people to ask us about them. We want them remembered.
I'm a proud Mama of an Angel so please: Cry with me. Pray with me and walk through this next stage of my life with me... Remember her with us. Remember the other babies. Share special dates. Things that made you think about her. Ask me things. Talk to me. Let me share with you what I do have.
One of the hardest things to do post Naomi's return to Jesus is to tell people that don't know what happened. In many ways I blindside them. Nobody expects a baby at 40 weeks to die in the womb... Very little people hear of a stillbirth at that point or know someone that goes through it. Our culture is really horrible about how we death with infant death. I'm sure I'll blog more about that at some point because it is truly on my heart. We pretend that if we don't talk about a baby's death that it goes away. It doesn't. That baby still died and the hopes, dreams and future is no longer there. If the parents are believers then they will meet their baby again in Heaven but everything earthly is ripped away...
When I have to explain my situation to someone, I can summarize the responses in two ways: "I'm so sorry! What happened?!" and "I'm so sorry!! I don't want to bring it up and cause you more pain." Unless you've been in my shoes or in a similar pair,one doesn't know what to say and that's ok... I get that. I don't hold any ill regard to them. I really don't. I have been dealing with the death of my daughter for 6 weeks now. I think about her so many times a day that I couldn't count... the other person never saw it coming.
Although Naomi's death absolutely stinks and I would love nothing more to have her here there is also joy. Besides the joy of her being with Jesus and knowing nothing more than love and perfection in Heaven, there is the joy that we had while we had her with us. I love being a proud mama and talking about my daughter. Although at times it may be painful because I miss her, it really doesn't hurt me to talk about her. There is a difference. I love talking about my daughter. I loved when someone asks me how much she weighed, or what she looked like. I love being a proud mama. Someone this last week commented that I didn't just lose a baby, I lost a child. It is so true. I no longer have my daughter here but by not talking about her, it is doing me no good. Parents of children in Heaven like to talk about their babies. We want people to ask us about them. We want them remembered.
I'm a proud Mama of an Angel so please: Cry with me. Pray with me and walk through this next stage of my life with me... Remember her with us. Remember the other babies. Share special dates. Things that made you think about her. Ask me things. Talk to me. Let me share with you what I do have.
Friday, March 7, 2014
One Month
My dear sweet Naomi,
It's been one month since I started having contractions and called your daddy home from work. It's been one month since we walked into the hospital, got hooked up to machines and were told that you had already gone on to Heaven. It's been one month since I held you and looked at your sweet face. It's been one month since I left the hospital and you and man oh man do I miss you!
Sweet girl, my arms ache for you, my heart aches for you. There is nothing more than your daddy and I want to hear than your sweet cry, to hear you breathe and open your eyes for us. We would do just about anything to be awake all night rocking you.
We know that it can't happen and as much as we can wish it never will. So many people have shown how much they love you by loving on us. We've had so many phone calls, letters, gifts and acts of service. You are so loved.
I think about you in Heaven. In my heart, you will always be a baby so that I can hold you and have my time to rock you all night when I get there. I'm so glad that we have so many people that we have loved go on before us so that they can rock you and hold you while I can't. I wonder who was there first to greet you... Was it Grandpa Royal? Grandma Greta? Grandma Edith? Grandma June? Your cousins? Jesus?
The pain isn't as bad as a month ago but sweet girl. It will never stop. I will never stop wanting you here, wanting to buy dresses for you and your sister for Easter or thinking about you every time I see the color purple.
We never intended for the color purple to be that way but it worked out that way and I'm so glad. You see, your sister's newborn pictures were all done up in pink and we decided to do yours in purple so that they were the same but different. We used the color already in your room to design for the baby shower and since then it's just been what we think of for you. We had bought so many purple things and when I found out that your birth stone is also purple, well sweet pea, it just fits. I'm so glad.
Today I got so many sweet gifts to help remind me of you. Your sweet Aunt Beth brought a succulent in a purple ceramic egg, your Aunt Hannah sent purple flowers, your Gigi brought some beautiful yellow flowers and your daddy was thoughtful enough to buy me a beautiful pendant of a bluebonnet. Not that you will EVER be forgotten but I'm so grateful for these tangible things for me.
Love you sweet girl. Hope your one month celebration in Heaven was beautiful.
Always,
Your Mama
It's been one month since I started having contractions and called your daddy home from work. It's been one month since we walked into the hospital, got hooked up to machines and were told that you had already gone on to Heaven. It's been one month since I held you and looked at your sweet face. It's been one month since I left the hospital and you and man oh man do I miss you!
Sweet girl, my arms ache for you, my heart aches for you. There is nothing more than your daddy and I want to hear than your sweet cry, to hear you breathe and open your eyes for us. We would do just about anything to be awake all night rocking you.
We know that it can't happen and as much as we can wish it never will. So many people have shown how much they love you by loving on us. We've had so many phone calls, letters, gifts and acts of service. You are so loved.
I think about you in Heaven. In my heart, you will always be a baby so that I can hold you and have my time to rock you all night when I get there. I'm so glad that we have so many people that we have loved go on before us so that they can rock you and hold you while I can't. I wonder who was there first to greet you... Was it Grandpa Royal? Grandma Greta? Grandma Edith? Grandma June? Your cousins? Jesus?
The pain isn't as bad as a month ago but sweet girl. It will never stop. I will never stop wanting you here, wanting to buy dresses for you and your sister for Easter or thinking about you every time I see the color purple.
We never intended for the color purple to be that way but it worked out that way and I'm so glad. You see, your sister's newborn pictures were all done up in pink and we decided to do yours in purple so that they were the same but different. We used the color already in your room to design for the baby shower and since then it's just been what we think of for you. We had bought so many purple things and when I found out that your birth stone is also purple, well sweet pea, it just fits. I'm so glad.
Today I got so many sweet gifts to help remind me of you. Your sweet Aunt Beth brought a succulent in a purple ceramic egg, your Aunt Hannah sent purple flowers, your Gigi brought some beautiful yellow flowers and your daddy was thoughtful enough to buy me a beautiful pendant of a bluebonnet. Not that you will EVER be forgotten but I'm so grateful for these tangible things for me.
Love you sweet girl. Hope your one month celebration in Heaven was beautiful.
Always,
Your Mama
Thursday, March 6, 2014
Bargaining
Last night I had the chance to visit with another "Hope Mom" (one who has lost a child) and she shared with me that she calls some of her lessons, "Caroline gifts" and it is so true. Since February 7th, I have been so stretched and have grown so much in my understanding of God and convictions. I really feel like these are gifts that Naomi is giving me -ways to make me and the world around me- better. There are several books that I've been given since we lost Naomi. Two of them are by Nancy Guthrie called The One Year Book of Hope and Holding on to Hope have been both healing and convicting. One of the themes that has been one of the hardest one for me to wrestle with is that of bargaining with God.
When you go through something so unthinkable, some thoughts pop into your head about how you can handle it. I think it's common to think when you're going through something rough "I can do this as long as... (I don't lose my job too, I keep my good health and so on)". Until I read about it I didn't realize I was bargaining with God. I told him that I could manage losing my daughter as long as I didn't lose my other one. I think just about anyone can understand where I'm coming from. I was really convicted that this is something that I have no right in bargaining.
Genesis 33:5
Then Esau looked up and saw the women and children. "Who are these with you?" he asked. Jacob answered, "They are the children God has graciously given your servant."
Psalm 127:3
Children are a gift from the LORD; they are a reward from him.
James 1:17
Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change.
(italics by me)
What do all these verses have in common? That God gave us our children. They are from him. They do not belong to us. We are given guardianship over our children temporarily in order to raise them for the glory of him.
In reality, everything we're given is from him. When we realize that these are all gifts from him we learn to be grateful. We put our hearts in the right place and don't take them for granted. We appreciate his gifts and cherish them.
A couple months ago a speaker at MOPS spoke about a word in another language called "Brata". A "brata" is gift completely undeserved. She pinpointed that our house, our husband, our children are all "brata's". It may easy to think of these things as gifts but harder to think of them not being in our control. I can't sit and bargain with God and tell him that he can't take Sophia away from me. Who am I to do that?
Am I okay with this? Not yet. God's still working with me on it. I can tell you though- I'm so grateful for my gifts both here and in Heaven.
Saturday, March 1, 2014
You never know...
Tonight I'm sitting with a margarita in my hand and surrounded by paper, scissors, pens and lots of other scrap booking supplies as I create a memory book for my daughter who I never got to know out of my womb. The pictures that I am gluing to the page are documenting my pregnancy with her; 33 weeks, 38 weeks and so on. This is really all I have with her. Yes I held her in my arms and got to look at her sweet face but I got to know her in utero. She kicked me, she stretched into my ribs and punched my bladder. I had to peed a million times a night -or at least that is what it felt like- and I had heart burn constantly. I have three tiny stretch marks from her stretching out my stomach. My body will never be the same and you know what... I'm completely okay with that.
Sitting here with all these memories around me is somewhat comforting. These are some of the only things that are tangible that I have of my daughter. I don't have the ability to go scoop her out of her bassinet and kiss her... or smell her sweet baby smell. Heck. I'd even take some explosive poops right now. These thoughts really make me realize the truth behind the thought: " you don't know what you have 'till it's gone". I often see or hear people saying things like: " I hope these next 10 weeks go quickly. The third trimester stinks!". I get that. I really do... I said it.
Now, I just wish those days back. I had no clue that this is where I'd be sitting 3 weeks post delivery. I can only pray that God uses this horrible circumstance to better me and hopefully better those around me. This is why I share the thoughts I have via blog and FB. If I feel something really firmly, I wonder if God is using it to touch someone near me. If you're that someone that's reading this... Please think twice. I know that sometimes life is tough and hard. BUT, maybe what you have is okay... Maybe you'd miss it if it was gone. Maybe what you think is horrible isn't even the worst of it. Hang in there... Thank God for what you do have and try not to take it for granted. Every day is a blessing and not guaranteed.
Sitting here with all these memories around me is somewhat comforting. These are some of the only things that are tangible that I have of my daughter. I don't have the ability to go scoop her out of her bassinet and kiss her... or smell her sweet baby smell. Heck. I'd even take some explosive poops right now. These thoughts really make me realize the truth behind the thought: " you don't know what you have 'till it's gone". I often see or hear people saying things like: " I hope these next 10 weeks go quickly. The third trimester stinks!". I get that. I really do... I said it.
Now, I just wish those days back. I had no clue that this is where I'd be sitting 3 weeks post delivery. I can only pray that God uses this horrible circumstance to better me and hopefully better those around me. This is why I share the thoughts I have via blog and FB. If I feel something really firmly, I wonder if God is using it to touch someone near me. If you're that someone that's reading this... Please think twice. I know that sometimes life is tough and hard. BUT, maybe what you have is okay... Maybe you'd miss it if it was gone. Maybe what you think is horrible isn't even the worst of it. Hang in there... Thank God for what you do have and try not to take it for granted. Every day is a blessing and not guaranteed.
Sunday, February 23, 2014
I just don't know
I'm able to start wearing makeup again. For over a week it wasn't even a question.. there was no point. Now for the most part I can get through a day without breaking down and losing it. My eyes may swell with tears and a couple may even leak over but there are less and less moments that take me by surprise. Instead I tend to cry when I do really talk about it and when unexpected things hit (seeing cute baby clothes that I contemplated purchasing).
Many people say that they are surprised I am doing so well. I don't know what they expect. I don't even know what to expect myself. I'm grateful for Sophia... She is our motivation and it is hard to be sad for long with her. She'll come up with something that melts my heart or make me laugh.
This grief thing is hard. We didn't bring Naomi home. I never got to smell the sweet baby smell, look into her eyes or hear her cry. I never saw her in my bedroom, never rocked her in the chair or put her in the bassinet. She was never wrapped in the blankets made for her, dressed so sweetly in the outfits bought just for her, or bathed and dried in the towels given to her. I just never had these things. Different than a parent who loses a child that lived in their home my grief is all about the loss of the dreams, of the hopes, of the beginning of a new life.
I only gained a few pounds with Naomi and can already fit in my pre-pregnancy clothes. I'm actually less weight than when I got pregnant. Sophia was the one that stretched out my stomach so I didn't get stretch marks from Naomi. My milk has dried up and my stitches are dissolved. I have nothing tangible from Naomi other than her footprints, lock of hair and her ashes. Everything is almost like it is was before we got pregnant. Except everything changed.
Things aren't what they should be... Today, when I should have been picking out birth announcements, I'm trying to finagle some christening invitations into working for our celebration of life service for my daughter in Heaven. We have conversations about how not to forget our daughter. I start the day out great and then realize things like it been two weeks since our little one was last in my arms, that Sophia pulled out a knitted blanket made just for Naomi and was sleeping with it or that the baby girl clearance section that I loved to peruse is no longer necessary.
I can keep it all together and almost talk like it doesn't affect me until I think about the emotions captured in the few pictures from the hospital, how the outfits bought for the girls to match will never be used jointly or how it kills me to feel like I am unchanged although I carried and gave birth to Naomi. I feel guilty when I feel happy sometimes and not laying in bed and crying my eyes out... Our emotions are on a whirlwind and we never know what the next moment may be.
I don't know what is next. This anomaly of a thing to happen has now changed our life forever. Now I'll be explaining to acquaintances -that last saw me pregnant- that my baby is in heaven. I'll be catching myself saying "my girls" in a conversation because I won't want to explain to someone who doesn't know and make it sound like I'm on pity parade...
Before I've stated that God didn't give us Naomi to hurt us and I truly believe that. It doesn't remove the hurt though or the "I miss her" thoughts that constantly surround my heart and head. I know that God is going to use her death in some way; I just don't know what my role in it is going to be.
Many people say that they are surprised I am doing so well. I don't know what they expect. I don't even know what to expect myself. I'm grateful for Sophia... She is our motivation and it is hard to be sad for long with her. She'll come up with something that melts my heart or make me laugh.
This grief thing is hard. We didn't bring Naomi home. I never got to smell the sweet baby smell, look into her eyes or hear her cry. I never saw her in my bedroom, never rocked her in the chair or put her in the bassinet. She was never wrapped in the blankets made for her, dressed so sweetly in the outfits bought just for her, or bathed and dried in the towels given to her. I just never had these things. Different than a parent who loses a child that lived in their home my grief is all about the loss of the dreams, of the hopes, of the beginning of a new life.
I only gained a few pounds with Naomi and can already fit in my pre-pregnancy clothes. I'm actually less weight than when I got pregnant. Sophia was the one that stretched out my stomach so I didn't get stretch marks from Naomi. My milk has dried up and my stitches are dissolved. I have nothing tangible from Naomi other than her footprints, lock of hair and her ashes. Everything is almost like it is was before we got pregnant. Except everything changed.
Things aren't what they should be... Today, when I should have been picking out birth announcements, I'm trying to finagle some christening invitations into working for our celebration of life service for my daughter in Heaven. We have conversations about how not to forget our daughter. I start the day out great and then realize things like it been two weeks since our little one was last in my arms, that Sophia pulled out a knitted blanket made just for Naomi and was sleeping with it or that the baby girl clearance section that I loved to peruse is no longer necessary.
I can keep it all together and almost talk like it doesn't affect me until I think about the emotions captured in the few pictures from the hospital, how the outfits bought for the girls to match will never be used jointly or how it kills me to feel like I am unchanged although I carried and gave birth to Naomi. I feel guilty when I feel happy sometimes and not laying in bed and crying my eyes out... Our emotions are on a whirlwind and we never know what the next moment may be.
I don't know what is next. This anomaly of a thing to happen has now changed our life forever. Now I'll be explaining to acquaintances -that last saw me pregnant- that my baby is in heaven. I'll be catching myself saying "my girls" in a conversation because I won't want to explain to someone who doesn't know and make it sound like I'm on pity parade...
Before I've stated that God didn't give us Naomi to hurt us and I truly believe that. It doesn't remove the hurt though or the "I miss her" thoughts that constantly surround my heart and head. I know that God is going to use her death in some way; I just don't know what my role in it is going to be.
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