Sunday, February 23, 2014

I just don't know

I'm able to start wearing makeup again. For over a week it wasn't even a question.. there was no point. Now for the most part I can get through a day without breaking down and losing it. My eyes may swell with tears and a couple may even leak over but there are less and less moments that take me by surprise. Instead I tend to cry when I do really talk about it and when unexpected things hit (seeing cute baby clothes that I contemplated purchasing).

Many people say that they are surprised I am doing so well. I don't know what they expect. I don't even know what to expect myself. I'm grateful for Sophia... She is our motivation and it is hard to be sad for long with her. She'll come up with something that melts my heart or make me laugh.

This grief thing is hard. We didn't bring Naomi home. I never got to smell the sweet baby smell, look into her eyes or hear her cry. I never saw her in my bedroom, never rocked her in the chair or put her in the bassinet. She was never wrapped in the blankets made for her, dressed so sweetly in the outfits bought just for her, or bathed and dried in the towels given to her. I just never had these things. Different than a parent who loses a child that lived in their home my grief is all about the loss of the dreams, of the hopes, of the beginning of a new life.

I only gained a few pounds with Naomi and can already fit in my pre-pregnancy clothes. I'm actually less weight than when I got pregnant. Sophia was the one that stretched out my stomach so I didn't get stretch marks from Naomi. My milk has dried up and my stitches are dissolved. I have nothing tangible from Naomi other than her footprints, lock of hair and her ashes.  Everything is almost like it is was before we got pregnant. Except everything changed.

Things aren't what they should be... Today, when I should have been picking out birth announcements, I'm trying to finagle some christening invitations into working for our celebration of life service for my daughter in Heaven. We have conversations about how not to forget our daughter. I start the day out great and then realize things like it been two weeks since our little one was last in my arms, that Sophia pulled out a knitted blanket made just for Naomi and was sleeping with it or that the baby girl clearance section that I loved to peruse is no longer necessary.

I can keep it all together and almost talk like it doesn't affect me until I think about the emotions captured in the few pictures from the hospital, how the outfits bought for the girls to match will never be used jointly or how it kills me to feel like I am unchanged although I carried and gave birth to Naomi. I feel guilty when I feel happy sometimes and not laying in bed and crying my eyes out... Our emotions are on a whirlwind and we never know what the next moment may be.

I don't know what is next. This anomaly of a thing to happen has now changed our life forever. Now I'll be explaining to acquaintances -that last saw me pregnant- that my baby is in heaven. I'll be catching myself saying "my girls" in a conversation because I won't want to explain to someone who doesn't know and make it sound like I'm on pity parade...

Before I've stated that God didn't give us Naomi to hurt us and I truly believe that. It doesn't remove the hurt though or the "I miss her" thoughts that constantly surround my heart and head. I know that God is going to use her death in some way; I just don't know what my role in it is going to be.


  1. You are a wonderful Mommy! There is no right or wrong way to continue life from here and guilt is never from God. Life has certainly changed and you are moving forward in such a graceful way. I know it's not easy but you are doing great. I'm so proud of you and I see God working a lot. I love you and I'm glad you're writing again.

  2. Our hearts go out to you Sara. You are an inspiration in the strength you've shown through this traumatic time. I can't imagine the pain and loss you feel. Love and hugs my friend.

  3. Hugs! This grief thing is hard.

  4. I know your role.... It is reaching out to others, just as you are doing... being SARA