Saturday, February 21, 2015

One Year- A letter to my angel daughter.

My Dear Sweet Naomi,
I have been struggling so hard in what to write to you. I wanted so badly to have this letter done by your birthday but the words just wouldn't come. This year had been next to impossible to explain. It has been full of seemingly opposites, both the longest and quickest year, the hardest and most life altering, the most emotional and the most emotionless.

You have changed me little one and more than just my body or hormones. I am not the same and I am so glad that I am not. I hope to live my life not just for myself but you. You have taught me so much about grace and hope, courage and bravery, compassion and empathy, love and hurt. I look at the world around me and I see people in a way that I never did before. I have clarity in so many ways, I have little patience for pettiness and want so desperately for people to be their best. Life is too short for intentional hurt. I know I fail at this too but God is working on me. I asked God to use you to teach me instead of just thinking of you in pain and Oh my darling, He so has. God has used you to minister to other mamas and families that are hurting too. Your little footprints are imprinting this world so big and I can't wait to see where they go during my lifetime.

Your big sister is singing to me from her bed right now. I can't help but think of who you'd be if you had grown up with us this year. Would you love to sing like your sister? Would you be loud or quiet or a little of both? Would you look more like your daddy or your mommy or be your sister's little twin? I've missed so much. People say one day it won't hurt so much... Some people think I'll get over you. Naomi, I never will get over you and maybe it won't hurt so much but I will always wonder. I'll wonder if you inherited the Brown toes and fingers like your sister? What color hair or eyes would you have? Would your hair be curly too? Would you dance silly with your big sister? Would you think she hung the moon?

I've missed your smell, your touch, your laugh, your eyes. I miss middle of the nights with you, chaos during the day with you. I miss changing your diapers and washing your clothes. I miss making you baby food and cleaning that baby food off of the floor when you decide to feed the dogs. I miss watching you crawl and teaching you to walk. Teaching you sign language and hearing your first word. Oh sweet girl. I miss you.

There will always be an empty place where you should be. I felt it last night as we giggled on the couch and when I put your big sister in her car seat. I feel it as I sing Sophia songs and kiss her goodnight. You always have a place in my heart.

I wouldn't give up an ounce of the pain that I have felt because it means that you are so deeply loved my darling. I am so very glad that I have the hope and knowledge of where you are and where I one day will be too. Sweet Naomi, I cannot wait to touch your cheek once again, see what color of eyes you have and hug you so tightly. I may never let go.

But sweet baby, before Mama can hold you, I pray that one of your great- grandparents are. They all love you so much. Know that we will be okay and we cannot wait for the day we get to see Jesus and YOU.

Yours Forever,

Friday, February 6, 2015

A letter to my oldest.

My dear Sophia,
One day I want you to be able to read this and know my mama heart. I want you to you how hard this year has been but through it all how very much you are loved and how much I am glad you are a part of our lives.

You are 3 now and you are my three-nager. Finally becoming so vocal,  you will tell me when your feelings are hurt or you are feeling happy. You will tell me randomly how much you love me and that is probably my absolute favorite. I adore watching you grow and learn even when you are grumpy. I love you being in our family. We are so much better off because you are here.

I am so proud of you I know you don't understand all that has happened this year but you have been so sweet. For the first couple weeks after your sister Naomi went to heaven you still kissed my tummy. Ever since, during our nightly prayers, we ask God to give Naomi kisses. When I ask you about Naomi you tell me she's in Heaven and we send balloons to her.

But you probably understand more than we give you credit for, you at least are very comforting and sweet when mama has a bad day. There are just some days that I miss your sister so much. I miss holding and loving on her. I miss watching her grow and seeing her personality develop. Most of all, I miss watching y'all together. I miss seeing you be the loving big sister you are and seeing you teach her all that you know. When I have those hard days you are usually easier to manage and you just let me have those moments.

Usually oldest kids have to learn the hard way. Oh my sweet oldest, how I wish you wouldn't. There are so many "hard ways" that I have learned this year. I wish you never would have to learn....

I wish you could know happiness and joy without heartache. I wish you could know love for others without knowing pain of them being gone from your earthly life. I wish you could learn endurance without having to endure or strength without having to feel weak and powerless. I wish you never had to learn devastation, heartache or hurt. But my sweet girl, know that your mama has walked that hard road and will always be your extra guiding post. I will always listen and support and give you that tight squeeze. I want you to know that through it all God is there most of all. He will bring you out of the fire just as he has me. He will be your hope when you have none. Trust in Him, Sophia- even in the darkest days.

God hasn't promised us anything other than Heaven if we know Him. He hasn't promised us a life of happiness and sunshine. Hard things will happen in our life. Everyone has something that they struggle with. But you will get through because you are strong! Especially because you are a Child of our KING!

My dear girl, I love you. And I can't wait to see what God has in store for you.

Love you always, forever and no matter what,
Your Mama