There is so much I want to say that I'm just not even sure where to start. I guess I'll go with this... (Warning, some female talk.. keeping it PG though). I just need to get my words on paper...
After Sophia, I had some hormonal issues that showed that my estrogen levels plummeted. Physically some stuff happened and I didn't lose a POUND even with nursing. But when I got pregnant with Naomi, my body dropped 13 pounds quickly like I had the first time. My pregnancies were totally normal and we were able to get pregnant without any assistance/medical interference. After losing Naomi, I didn't know what my new normal was.
Many people may not realize that losing a baby is unlike any other kind of losses. Your body goes through so much and you have no clue what is okay. It took almost 3 months for my monthlies to come back and when they did they were miserable. Cramps that hurt more than before, heavier and longer lasting and I was moodier. Basically they sucked and were a constant reminder. They were also extremely close together and although they have now spaced out to 28 days, I am spotting when I should be ovulating.
I started working out in February and did a hard core couple a months but again... didn't lose a pound. on top of this, I've been having daily headaches, dry skin, hot flashes and I just don't feel right. So I decided to be pro-active and went into my primary care physician and had blood drawn. It came back that my estrogen was about the level as a menopausal woman. At 26 years of age, this is NOT okay. I'm referred to my OBGYN and didn't really get any answers. So again... I decided to be pro-active and went to another doctor. We've done more blood draws, exams and an ultrasound and the diagnosis...
Polycystic ovary syndrome.
So apparently on top of grieving, on top of Joe's crazy schedule (I'll get to that in a bit), I have PCOS. It has been recommended to me by this new doc to gt a endometrial biopsy which will cost me several hundred dollars out of pocket. This is just not in the budget right now and it isn't top priority.
Why is this so frustrating? Well. After a stillborn loss, you're typically encouraged to wait a little bit to get pregnant again. Your body needs it, your mind needs it....overall you need it! So Joe and I had come to an agreement that after my best friend's wedding we would stop preventing. Now, with this new diagnosis.. I'm not sure I can get pregnant without some kind of medication. I've actually had to push for a appointment to talk to the doctor about this diagnosis and what it means... She didn't recommend it.
I want to cry and usually do almost every day. I can't help but say that right now things don't feel too promising. I miss my daughter so much and really expected to be busy with a baby these days. I'm excited to see those around me have their kids but it is hard. The experiences they're getting, I haven't gotten and miss, and apparently having another one is not going to be an easy go. I know the word fair isn't really correct, but man... It isn't fair!
I'm just tired. Joe is going to a different school... I will be able to share more later but he is currently out of the house for over 80 hours a week. He's gone Mon-Thur night and all day Saturdays for school. He comes home late, so even if I were to get to bed at a good time, I'd be awoken by him going to bed... Instead of being able to leave Sophia at home to go meet with a friend or run an errand, I can't... I don't get breaks. (He doesn't either though). The fact that my hormones are so messed up doesn't help my energy level either. We're both tired and tend to get grumpier at each other than we should... We figure this out pretty quick though and are fine. Just ready for a vacation when this is all done.
Everything is breaking around us. Since February we have had to replace 2 separate sections of our ac/heater unit, the total of the two costing over 2k, replace our water heater, tear out our tub, replace 4 tires on my car and the brakes and I feel like I'm missing something.. It doesn't help when you feel finances squeeze and your
I'm lonely most days. I'm thankful for some friends here, ones that care and help out but especially with Joe gone so much, its just a lonely road. Joe's going through this school for a better future, so right now It's just putting one foot in front of the other and hoping for something to actually go right.
Otherwise I'm doing ok. I miss my girl and random things make me cry but I'm able to have joy. I'm so grateful for Sophia. I can't be sitting still for long with her, so I have to keep moving. I'm hopeful for some more kids in our household and I think Joe and I are going to start the process to get certified so when we're able to adopt we can.
One Day at a Time, One step at a Time.
