My Dear Sweet Naomi,
I have been struggling so hard in what to write to you. I wanted so badly to have this letter done by your birthday but the words just wouldn't come. This year had been next to impossible to explain. It has been full of seemingly opposites, both the longest and quickest year, the hardest and most life altering, the most emotional and the most emotionless.
You have changed me little one and more than just my body or hormones. I am not the same and I am so glad that I am not. I hope to live my life not just for myself but you. You have taught me so much about grace and hope, courage and bravery, compassion and empathy, love and hurt. I look at the world around me and I see people in a way that I never did before. I have clarity in so many ways, I have little patience for pettiness and want so desperately for people to be their best. Life is too short for intentional hurt. I know I fail at this too but God is working on me. I asked God to use you to teach me instead of just thinking of you in pain and Oh my darling, He so has. God has used you to minister to other mamas and families that are hurting too. Your little footprints are imprinting this world so big and I can't wait to see where they go during my lifetime.
Your big sister is singing to me from her bed right now. I can't help but think of who you'd be if you had grown up with us this year. Would you love to sing like your sister? Would you be loud or quiet or a little of both? Would you look more like your daddy or your mommy or be your sister's little twin? I've missed so much. People say one day it won't hurt so much... Some people think I'll get over you. Naomi, I never will get over you and maybe it won't hurt so much but I will always wonder. I'll wonder if you inherited the Brown toes and fingers like your sister? What color hair or eyes would you have? Would your hair be curly too? Would you dance silly with your big sister? Would you think she hung the moon?
I've missed your smell, your touch, your laugh, your eyes. I miss middle of the nights with you, chaos during the day with you. I miss changing your diapers and washing your clothes. I miss making you baby food and cleaning that baby food off of the floor when you decide to feed the dogs. I miss watching you crawl and teaching you to walk. Teaching you sign language and hearing your first word. Oh sweet girl. I miss you.
There will always be an empty place where you should be. I felt it last night as we giggled on the couch and when I put your big sister in her car seat. I feel it as I sing Sophia songs and kiss her goodnight. You always have a place in my heart.
I wouldn't give up an ounce of the pain that I have felt because it means that you are so deeply loved my darling. I am so very glad that I have the hope and knowledge of where you are and where I one day will be too. Sweet Naomi, I cannot wait to touch your cheek once again, see what color of eyes you have and hug you so tightly. I may never let go.
But sweet baby, before Mama can hold you, I pray that one of your great- grandparents are. They all love you so much. Know that we will be okay and we cannot wait for the day we get to see Jesus and YOU.