Lonely

The past week has flown in some ways but I feel like its been so long since I heard the key turn in the door and "Honey?" I miss my other half so much. I feel the most lonely at nights and on the weekends and since its both the night and weekend, its the worst. I don't know how to explain the feeling... like there's a hole in my heart... J has also been super busy so the emails aren't quite as long as I'd like but then again they will never be long enough?
I haven't lost it and just cried since last Thursday when he left, but I just did... I miss my other half.

I miss his presence. I miss his smile. I miss his voice. I miss his laugh. I miss his touch. I miss him.

Getting back on the horse, so to speak...

I have a confession. I'm a follower of Christ but I haven't been following as much as I would like... I've failed at keeping that relationship with Christ going! Now, I'm ready to go for it! I'm so passionate for God and I can't wait to keep going in my walk with Him.

Church was awesome today! I learned so much in both church and sunday school... One thing that hit me in church was a huge conviction on how my heart isn't passionate enough for God. I remember how I once heard that God wants a hot or cold heart not a warm one... Recently, I would classify mine as warm but I have so much passion for learning and growing that its getting hot and I couldn't be more excited about it! Pastor Eric said some great things... One was that just showing up at church and going through the emotions aren't enough for God, our heart is the most important thing! I have always known this, but today it hit me.... Does my heart beat for the pleasure of God? This was all stationed around the passage of Genesis 4 with the story of Cain and Abel... They both had very good offerings to God. Both the fruits of the soil and the fat of the firstborn (Gen 4:3-4) were even in the mind of the Lord. So why was Cain's not good enough? Because of his attitude! The Bible says that God looked at them and THEN their offering... Cain's heart wasn't in the right place. I am so often guilty of that.


Pastor Eric then went on to talk about sin. I know I sin, I know I'm wrong often and I think many know that as well... We're not perfect, we all fail. How often do we think about our response to it? Not only do we need to have a passionate heart for God but at the same time we need to rid ourselves of the sin in our life. We need to adjust to Gods word, and rule over that sin! Sin sits at our door, feeds on our selfish desire, leads us to hide and deny it and act like its not there and it results in death! (James 3:14-15 and James 1: 14-15)... "Pride is self-seeking on steroids" (Pastor Eric). Who wants that? Definitely not me!

In Sunday school we talked about something that may be true in the not so distant future... Being good Christian parents. That we need to set an example for our children and not just tell them but SHOW them... Its walking the talk! With everything else that had hit me in church, this also hit me in that who do I want to be for my kids? I want to be passionate and understanding, loving and respectful, I want to be recognizing my own faults and dealing with them.

What a growing day!

The little reminders...

I'm used to J being gone on underways... In some ways, it has gotten to be very normal. A couple days here, a couple days there, a couple weeks here is the norm in the military. With this being said, it was very surprising about the emotions that I've been having. It's the little things that get me... However I have noticed that its a love/hate relationship in that I also love them because it reminds me of him and gives me a sensation of his presence! The little things that usually irritate me while he's here are now things that I wish would happen every day because that would mean he was here! You know, like the pair of underwear on the bedroom floor or the beer bottle caps that didn't quite make it to the trash can. I love that there is shaving cream in the shower, pictures on the way, loving touches that we've done together... because it means it's a sign of him being here even though he isn't. I love that when I opened a kitchen cabinet today I saw the the Vanilla Infusion that Joe and I put together before he left... It's a bottle that he gave me for Christmas with vanilla sticks that you add vodka to, and then wait 6 months to use it as a vanilla extract (i believe). We're going to wait one extra month to use it and that means that he'll be home! I cannot wait!

While J's gone, I have some challenges and expectations to accomplish!
1) Further my relationship with Christ
2) Further my marriage with J
3) Lose weight
4) Get my business with Arbonne going
... amongst other smaller things!!!

While I was working out yesterday, I watched a bit of a discussion with Obama at a college... -I'm not a Obama lover, I voted for McCain- He was talking a lot about health-care... What do y'all think? I'll post more about this next time!

Numbness is gone, reality set in...

The last week has been one big week of chaos! J had some alignments to do in his division that he had to do in the evenings so he was switched to the evening roster.... They allowed for him to be duty free since his days would be so off anyway which was a huge blessing! We had the days to get things done that we had needed to do for forever and a day! Thankfully this also worked out perfectly since he was supposed to have duty the day before deployment (yesterday). However, as the time came to a close, of course the plan had to change as well... Someone on J's division told chain of command that the alignments were done (which they weren't) and then they pulled these guys off of the evening shift... So of course what does that mean? They throw him on duty and we have no clue if I will be able to spend any time together before he leaves. AHHHH! He was able to come home for a couple hours before watch so he could help me finish packing for him! At 7pm he sent me a text and said, I'm coming home! Pick me up at 9:45! YAY! Being able to spend the last night with him was the most incredible thing ever... Just to see him, and hold him, to smile at him and laugh with him... to cuddle and to sleep knowing that I had a short amount of time made me completely enjoy every second!

We got up at 5:15 so that he could be on the ship at 6am. I grabbed Skip-bo on the way out thinking that we would need to keep things light-hearted instead of freaking out and talking about the impending deployment the entire morning. The Captain allowed for civilians to be on the ship till 9 am and the ship was scheduled to pull out at 10am. Finally at the call for Civilians to leave the ship we walked out and the reality of why I was there started to set in... The wives were crying all around us and it made me tear up as well. Before we wanted to let go, the call for the sailors to go back on the ship happened and we had to say our "see you later's". One of the worst things and best things ever was to watch him across the edge of the pier as they took forever (1 hour) to get the ship ready... We were able to talk a little and I tried to be strong by making faces and making both of us laugh... I realized in the last couple days more than ever how much I LOVE my man. He's the most incredible person and he's proved to love me more than I could ever expect. He made my heart melt last night when he told me that he never thought that he could love me more than he did when we started dating and that he's fallen more in love with me every day. The feeling is so very very mutual... I know so sappy right?
I watched as the ship left and as my husband's wave got smaller and smaller... I then transitioned to the other side of the base so i could watch them leave... In some ways it was difficult, in other ways I'm glad I got to see them leave. It will be so neat to see the ship pull back in from the same direction that they left... Lets just fast-forward these months shall we?!
I was able to drive myself home (I had arranged for a girlfriend to pick me up if need be)... Then i pretty much crawled into bed. 2 hours of watching the ship leave in very cold weather made for a very frozen Sara. I was so completely numb that one of my best friends had to remind me to eat... After I finally ate, I realized how hungry I was!!! (It was 5pm and I hadn't eaten since 6 am and I'm a 3 meal a day person). With my belly full of food, the numbness disappeared and the reality sunk in...

I'm trying to be so strong. I am married to one of the most amazing men ever and am so blessed!!! I can't complain about him being gone when I have him the rest of my life. I will be strong, I will be strong! (The little engine that could...)

The countdown is almost over...

...and I'm going to have to say "goodbye", or rather "see you later". I know I'm made of tough stuff but this is where it gets tested. Within a week I will be saying goodbye to the love of my life for 7 months and it still scares me. We have so much left to do but thankfully have been enjoying some wonderful time together. I will miss you so much J!

Bear with me until I can post again.... There will be many more later on as I will be alone.

This and That

A couple posts ago, I mentioned that J and I will be a first time Aunt and Uncle... We couldn't have been more excited... Now we couldn't be even more sad for his brother and sister-inlaw, they lost their baby... I can't even imagine what that may feel like. I know that lots of people go through it especially during the first trimester but I cannot help but hope that it is one loss that I will never have to go through. Please say a prayer for them if you would... It is a very difficult situation.

I'm trying to keep it all together these days... Many wives have told me that when the deployment is impending it is very easy to snap and allow little things to be big things... I am aware that I also fall into this category and being aware does help because then I'm aware of how I'm reacting (or over-reacting ;P) In many ways I want time to just stand still but in others I want it to fast forward with quite high speeds till August... I have decided though that the way for me to get through this is to make it "my time". I may never have this time again and I'm going to enjoy it while it lasts... I'm going to put my health on the top of my priority list, but not before God. He is my number one!!! I want to grow leaps and bounds in the next 7 months. "I want to know you, I want to hear your voice, I want to know you more"....